The Book of Aaron

The “Book Of Aaron” is part of the Usenet Apocrypha, a number of books written by me in the 1990s satirising the soap opera that went on in various Usenet discussion groups or newsgroups, some of whose participants were real people airing their linen, and others where personae there to troll or participate in the rough and tumble of Usenet discussion (read: “flamewars“). Some of the flamewars were productive of quite creative writing, and in this case I used the Jacobean English of the King James Bible (no disrespect to the Bible itself intended of course, it is merely the humour to be had from juxtaposing this classical and religious form of English on the life and views of a handful of eccentric guys and girls living in modern America) to produce some Usenet Apocrypha celebrating and combining some of the amusing stories that had been discussed on the group over recent months, in particular those of usenet legend Aaron Kulkis, described by many as the Ubertroll. Whether he genuinely believed his chauvinistic beliefs nobody can say, but he was a real person who came to see me in London in 1998. For those who don’t know the people involved, I have know idea whether the book will still be a laugh or not, or make any sense or not. You tell me!

Chapter One

1. This is the history of the prophet Aaron son of Kulkis, which beginneth when he was yet unborn.

2. In the land of Po the LORD looked over the people to see if there were any righteous and not sunken in iniquity.  And behold, one Kulkis of the ancient tribe of Lith did walk uprightly.

3. And the LORD came unto him in a vision by night and said unto him ‘Gird up thy loins and betake thee and all thine house unto a land which is afar off, a land that I, the LORD thy God will shew thee’.

4. And Kulkis did exceedingly fear and shake before the countenance of the LORD and great were the movements of his bowels.

5. And he said unto the LORD ‘Where is this place, O LORD, whither thou sendest me?’ And the LORD replied ‘Get thee to the land of Murkah, whither the Philistines have fled from the face of my servant David. For it floweth with milken  honeys, and the rivers thereof are awash with tealeaves.

6. ‘In that land I shall make of thee a great nation, but see thou take not the womenfolk of the land to wife, neither thou, nor thy children, nor thy children’s children, for as many generations as the LORD thy God shall give thee, be they as the stars of the heavens which no man can number.

7. ‘In the day that thy seed shall take unto wife a woman of that place, then shall my blessing depart from thy generations as surely as the birds fly south for winter.’

8. ‘And Kulkis did tremble before the LORD and spake thus ‘LORD, I shall obey thee of a surety, but how shall I take myself and mine house to Murkah? It is many months of journey by sea’.

9. And the LORD said, ‘Make thee an ark of gopherwood, make it..’ Kulkis interrupted, ‘Whence shall I get me gopherwood in the land of Po? The winters here suffice to freeze the collions from a brazen monkey. The gophertree thriveth not within these marches.’

10. And the LORD said, ‘O yea, that is true. Take thee this purse of money, and get thee to the portal of the heavens.’

11. And Kulkis said ‘Now thou art talking. Wicked.’

12. And the LORD said ‘Take heed how thou speakest for thou knowest there is no rest for the wicked.’

13. And when the LORD had made an end of speaking, Kulkis girt up his loins and betook himself to the merchants of travel, and purchased passage unto the land of Murkah for himself and all his house as the LORD had commanded him so to do.

14. Thus he arrived unto the land of Murkah and saw that it was good and fertile. And lo, his wife said to him ‘whither go we now, o Kulkis. We cannot spend the remnant of our lives sojourning in the portal of the heavens that is named after John, the son of Ef-Kennedah.’

15. And Kulkis did rebuke her, saying ‘ask me not thy stupid questions, woman. The LORD hath called us hither, he shall also provide a place for us.’

16. And Kulkis prayed to the LORD and the LORD came to him and said ‘Get thee to the Tyre and Sidon of the north.’ And Kulkis said ‘Oh no, not Detro-ith!’

17. And the LORD said ‘I have comprehended thine opre. Thou shouldest not be watching that kind of film, if thou wilt be my servant. Yes, Detro-ith. For there thou shalt have two sons.

18. ‘One shall be called Aaron, and in him shall all the menfolk of this place be blessed. For he shall show them the way out of the yoke of bondage under which they have fallen.’

19. And the LORD said unto Kulkis ‘Behold, all that thou shalt do shall prosper and thou shalt be blessed with much increase, but see that thou forget not the words which I have spoken unto thee.

20. ‘Take thee not wives from this place in any of thy generations. Thou seest the Philistine womenfolk of Murkah, that they are comely.

21. ‘This is but an outward beauty, and they are whited sepulchres, for within they are full of deceit and arrogance, users of witchcraft and perpetrators of unspeakable whoredoms.

22. ‘There is none righteous among them and all are turned aside after vain heresies and sickly notions which cheat the head and wound the heart.

23. ‘They have lain aside the doctrine that the man is the head of the woman, and being full of guile, have made of themselves the head and the man is become the body.

24. Thy son Aaron, who is yet unborn, shall set these men at liberty.’

25. When Kulkis had taken all his house unto Detro-ith, he said to his wife, ‘art thou with child?’ and his wife laughed.

26. Kulkis said, ‘woman, whom dost thou think thou art laughing at? I asked of thee a reasonable question, answer thou me’.

27. And she replied ‘How can I be with child since thou hast not had gopherwood for such a season? What thinkest thou of me?

28 ‘Get thee to the Brook Viah-Grah, partake of the tablets of azure, and get back unto me.’

29. And Kulkis said ‘tellest thou me what to do? That was in truth mine idea, I thought thereof myself’.

30. And it came to pass that he took himself to the Brook Viah-Grah, and did partake of the tablets of azure thereof, and his uttermost part became as of gopherwood, and on this wise was he able to go-pher it.

Chapter Two

1.      In due season Aaron was born and there was rejoicing in the city of Detro-ith and among the host of heaven.

2.      His mother said ‘I shall call him Aaron R’soul, for R’soul meaneth ‘prophet’ in the Arabic tongue.’

3.      Kulkis said unto his wife ‘thou hadst better simply call him Aaron R, without the R’soul, for that men shall think thou meanest some other thing’.

4.      And it came to pass that Aaron R, son of Kulkis, grew, grew and grew and grew up to be a man named Aaron.

5.      When he was twelve years old, his mother gave unto him a claviature and scrane, upon which he played skilfully whilst tending his father’s sheep.

6.      In the land of Murkah at that time there was a custom that all persons having a claviature and scrane would come and play to each other on the banks of the River of Bablynon, in the village known as Yuzneth.

7.      These devices of great subtlety did give the player to read scrolls no eye could see and to declare what no tongue could utter.

8.      Aaron used to play his claviature and scrane to two sisters called Eni-El and Scrauni, who responded to all his music with choruses of their own.

9.      But Scrauni was a pagan heathen and a necromancer, a user of forbidden arts and a worshipper of evil gods.

10.  Also Jeth, the daughter of the man of silver, a dark and comely wench of advancing years, would join with Aaron in producing sweet strains and harmonies on the claviature and scrane. Now Jeth was of the City of Angels.

11.  They were joined in their harmonies by Jeemiah the Son of Dutton, who did blow in from the City of Wind, which was said to be a most comely place, and by Vlad the Dork-Impaler, a guardian of Yuzneth laws who hearkened from the nation of Cain-Adah, although his generations in the distant past were of the plain that is in the Magyar tongue called Erdely or in the Romanian called Transylvania.

12.  Now Aaron was wont to play a great benediction at the end of his psalms, and the burden thereof was ever the same.

13.  His benediction was very long and the other psalmists of Yuzneth did mock Aaron, saying ‘thy benediction is too long, when wilt thou make an end thereof? Thy burden is very burthensome, indeed, and thy burthen burdensome, or any combination of the same.’

14.  To which Aaron son of Kulkis replied ‘which benediction mean ye, for that they are both eight inches in length?’

15.  Scrauni saith unto Aaron son of Kulkis ‘This fain would I see, for thou thyself art not more than eight times eight inches in stature. Can any man be the eighth part of himself?’

16.  So Aaron revealed his benediction unto the pagan sisters and unto Jeth of the city of angels and great was their wailing and gnashing of teeth.

17.  Scrauni and Eni-El said ‘woe is unto us that the time of women is upon us, for such a benediction would we fain enjoy elsewise’. For these sisters did always have their time of women on the same days each as the other.

18.  Jeth saith ‘I have not the time of women and I make to cross the river Bablynon’.

19.  But Aaron said unto them ‘Hold your peace, ye witches, for I would no more become one flesh with you than I would go in unto a pigsty and copulate with the swine which dwell therein.

20.  ‘Nay, God forbid that I should know you, be it even with the uttermost part of Jeemiah, son of Dutton.’

21.  Then were Eni-El, Scrauni, Jeth and Jeem also wroth with Aaron son of Kulkis and their countenances were fallen. And great rancour and vilification arose between them and Aaron.

22.  Moreover was Aaron at enmity with the acceptors of Fath, and did compose songs of mockery against them on his claviature and scrane.

23.  For these things did the acceptors of Fath make complaint of him and his name was brought before the elders of Yuzneth and Flashneth, but to none avail.

24.  One day when Aaron was playing with Scrauni and Eni-El in Yuzneth and shewing them his member across the water Aaron’s grandmother did appear, for that Aaron was wanted at the house.

25.  When she did perceive the manner of conversation which had become customary between them she seized Aaron son of Kulkis by the ear and drew him asunder from the daughters of Yuzneth, saying ‘What dost thou think thou dost? Wilt thou have done unto thee as was done unto the husband of Lorenah the Bobbite?

26.  ‘Return thy member unto the folds of thy garment, for it is not meet that thou shouldst hold it out unto common display. Hath the cock not crowen three times upon this morn? It needeth no help from thee. Wherefore let thy cock hold his peace lest one wring his neck also.’

27.  And when they had returned home unto their house his grandmother did declare unto his father what she had seen on that day, and his father did smite Aaron with the rod sevenfold upside the head, saying ‘Knowest thou not that the blessing of the LORD which guideth us shall depart from our generation if thou take unto wife a daughter of this place?

28.  ‘No woman of Murkah shall ever be one flesh with thee, not if I have aught to do therewith.’

29.  And Aaron promised unto his father and unto his grandmother that he would keep the covenant that the LORD had made with the tribe of Kulkis and would forbear to know any daughter of the land, be she maid or woman.

30.  Now Aaron was visited habitually by a spirit, one who was so virtuous as to be even all in all virtual, and had no physical form at all and was but a voice. The name of this voice spirit was Jackiah the Tokemanite.

31.  Jackiah said unto Aaron ‘If thou wilt safely provoke the acceptors of Fath and the daughters of Yuzneth without reprisal, then do unto others as I do unto them and play thy claviature from behind these reeds. They shall hear thy music, but thy face shall they not see’.

32.  But Aaron saith unto Jackiah ‘Thou givest me good counsel, oh Jackiah, about hiding in the reeds. That which thou tellest me is oft matters which it is needful for me to address.

33.  ‘Notwithstanding I cannot hide my light under a bushel, for I am called to be a prophet of the LORD and to lead the men of this land out of the yoke of bondage. I cannot lead surrounded by reeds, although I do sometimes read surrounded by leads.’ And Jackiah the Tokemanite went his way, laughing not.

34.  It became known to Aaron’s family that Jeth and the heathens on the one part and the acceptors of Fath on the other did conspire together to make a killscroll for Aaron, so as to utterly cut off his uttermost utterances.

35.  For to save Aaron from this plot they did assign him unto the army of Murkah, which was to go to war in Arabia against the ruler of Mesopotamia.

36.  And so Aaron R’soul the son of Kulkis was saved by providence out of the hands of the pagan witches and the fangs and claws of the acceptors of Fath.

Chapter Three

1.      When that Aaron was in the desert of Arabia forty days and forty nights the men of the place came to hearken unto him, and to hear his words.

2.      And it came to pass that Aaron got up before the men of Arabia and spake on this wise. ‘Men and brethren, the LORD my God would not that ye remain ignorant of the nature of womankind.

3.      ‘They ever seek to place themselves above the man, but such is not the place to which the LORD hath called them.

4.      ‘They are to be in silence and subjection unto their husbands, not tattling and chattering without cause and frittering away his substance with riotous livery and their sundry abominable profligacies.

5.      ‘A woman should not play upon the claviature and scrane except it be unto her own husband, and she should not walk before him, nor ride her mule before his horse. To do such is misery and shame for both the man and the woman.

6.      ‘Let her remain in her home, making meals for her husband and bringing up her children in a righteous way, and let her not roam in the street as the whores do, nor sit with the men in offices or do manual work alongside the men.

7.      ‘Let her not have a voice in the election of elders and let her not usurp authority over the man. Let her sit at a separate table with her head covered and bowed low in humility and let her not speak except it first shall have been spoken unto her.’

8.      And the men of Arabia said unto Aaron ‘in these parts we well know the matters thine heart inditeth. Thou preachest unto the choir.’

9.      And Aaron did rejoice and did write a scroll unto his father saying ‘I have already converted one nation unto the true way. When I shall return unto Murkah so shall I do the same if God permit.’

10.  Now Aaron was an excellent soldier who did all that his captain required of him and more.

11.  When his captain did say unto him ‘Peel these gourds and slice them and then cook them in oil for the men returning from the front line of the battle’ then did Aaron take up the jawbone of an ass and did blast the gourds and make the provisions for the hosts of Murkah.

12.  He also did make thousands of thousands of cups full of tea and coffee, unto which he did ever add the substances commanded by the captain, straying neither to the left nor to the right.

13.  One day the captain did come unawares upon Aaron playing with his benediction in the army kitchen.

14.  He saith ‘It is not meet, soldier, that thou shouldest abuse thyself in this place where the victuals are prepared for the troops’

15.  And Aaron saith ‘Is there aught else to do in this wretched place?’ The captain said ‘Thou canst take my camel for the afternoon’

16.  But Aaron saith ‘God forbid that I should do such a thing’.

17.  Again a few days after he captain findeth Aaron again coaxing his todgeriah among the gourds. This time he had made unto himself an effigy of a woman from the gourds.

18.  The captain said ‘It is clear that thou art desperate. Take my camel for the afternoon and God be with thee’.

19.  But again Aaron refused to be led into temptation.

20.  Then one week later a third time the captain catcheth Aaron about to add his stock unto the army gravy and he saith unto him ‘O man, when wilt thou see, it were better for thee to borrow my camel than to work the eye of thy needle on this wise’.

21.  Then did Aaron accept the offer of his captain and went into the stable where the captain’s camel was held.

22.  When that Aaron did draw forth a milching stool wherewith the husbandman that did dwell there heretofore was wont to milch his beasts and did stand thereupon and did enter the camel hindwardliwise. Then did it raise up a great cry and all the soldiers of the company did run in unto the stable.

23.  Then saw they Aaron becoming one flesh with the camel and great was their mockery. And Aaron did rebuke them saying ‘The wise man is mocked by fools.’

24.  ‘This is the man that speaketh with such authority on women’ said Jeemiah son of Dutton, for he was also come with the army unto the shores of Arabia ‘and lo he breaketh his virginity with a camel’s mare.’

25.  And Aaron did say unto Jeemiah the son of Dutton ‘Thou art a fool of the pathological liar sort. Thou art not worthy of the time to compose a response.’

26.  And their laughter became the more loud and the captain came in for to know the cause of the mirth.

27.  Then saw he Aaron with his camel and said ‘What the hell dost thou think thou art doing unto my camel?’

28.  Aaron said ‘Sir, thou didst lend her unto me’. ‘Yea,’ saith the captain, ‘but only for to ride unto the city for to visit one of the brothels that are established for the comfort of the soldiers of Murkah, what else didst thou think?’

29.  Then did Aaron understand his error and great was his repentance before all the people.

30.  And soon thereafter Aaron was sent back to the shores of Murkah for that the soldiers would not any more partake of the victuals he did prepare, for that he had wrought an unclean thing in the midst of them.

31.  On this wise did Aaron have many tales to tell thereafter of his valiant conquests and battles in the land of Arabia.

Chapter Four

1.      When forty days and forty nights were through Aaron came out of the wilderness that was Arabia, and did return unto his father and mother and unto his brother and grandmother in the land of Murkah.

2.      And they did welcome him with full hearts, saying ‘our bold warrior returneth. Make strait the paths of the Lion of the tribe of Kulkis’.

3.      And Aaron said ‘I must go down to the Neth again, to the Yuzneth and the Flash. And all I ask is a claviature and a scrane that will not crash.’

4.      And then did Aaron take up his claviature, not regarding threats of killscrolls made against him, and did betake himself unto the River of Bablynon for to prophesy at that place.

5.      But there was none of his enemies waiting there for to greet him. Eni-El was inditing matters with Vlad the Impaler of Dork, Scrauni and one witch Erebus were casting spells and curses one upon the other, and Jeemiah the son of Dutton was not yet come again unto the country.

6.      Thus Aaron enquired after Jeth the daughter of Silverman, and did ask one son of the Nubi where Jeth was.

7.      And the Nubian answereth  ‘Behold, Jeth sitteth on the bend of the riverbank with her comely head in her hands and pineth after one Aaron, son of Kulkis, that is dead in Arabia and hence she posteth not, except it be to rag the acceptors of Fath. Did ever woman love man thus?’

8.      When Aaron heard these things he was amazed and his countenance shone like the sun.

9.      And Aaron did place a fig in his mouth for to change his voice and did walk up carefully behind her and did say ‘Woman, why languishest thou? While others crowd the house of mirth and haunt the gaudy show, why dost then  thou, my comely one, frequent the house of woe?

10.  And Jeth did respond, saying ‘all around my hat I will wear the green willow. Yea all around my hat for a twelvemonth and a day. And if anyone shall ask of me the reason wherefore I wear it, I wear it for my true love that is gone far away.’

11.  And Aaron said ‘who is he that is thy true love? Tell me his name, and whither he is gone’.

12.  And Jeth said ‘ He is Aaron, son of Kulkis. He is gone into Arabia. And unto the shores of Mesopotamia.’

13.  And Aaron said, ‘he soundeth like one brave man. I should say that he seeth much ordinance in that place’.

14.  But Jeth did reply ‘speak thou not unto me of ordinance nor of battle, for that his absence driveth me from my very wits. If he should not return I should surely die of love’s sickness’.

15.  Aaron said ‘and how feeleth this Aaron about thy love?’

16.  Jeth said ‘he knoweth not for that I fear to tell him. When I speak of my love for him I make pretence that I intend my words for Ford the son of Haris.’

17.  And Aaron was so amazed that he no more could stay in character and taking the fig from his mouth said in his own voice, ‘I, that speak unto thee, am he’.

18.  Yet clave she not unto him but with an angry mien threw the shingle of the riverside at his face and ran forth shouting vile imprecations and crying tears that fell upon the earth as she did run.

19.  And Aaron understood naught of this and said ‘truly are the women of this place evil, lying bitches. As the LORD said unto my father, I must not take a wife of the daughters of these place, be they ever so charming and comely. For at once they become as vipers and cockatrices and as Leviathan drawn with an hook.

20.  ‘Once they have caught the heart of a man the dove of peace departeth and the hawk of war is at hand.’

21.  Some days hence did Aaron hear of one fair maiden of the tribe of Rus that was come to sojourn for a season in the Land of Detro-Ith. Aaron did seek her out, for that she was not of Murkah and if so be she were a suitable help meet for him he could take her to wife without breaking the covenant which his father had made with the LORD.

22.  And Aaron did make the maid’s acquaintance and her name was Maria. And in time did he lie with her and enjoy her and it became his thought and avowed intent to make her his wife.

23.  Thus spake Aaron then unto his family, ‘I have met my wife’. And his father said ‘who is that girl which runneth around with you?’ And Aaron said ‘Father, thou askest well, for she is called as the Madonna’. And he said ‘I wot not what thou speakest I have made none opre of which I wot’.

24.  So Aaron spake plainly ‘Maria. I have just met a girl named Maria, and suddenly that name shall never be the same unto me.’

25.  And his father asked of Aaron ‘Is she of Murkah?’ But Aaron said ‘Father, I have been with thee so long in thine house and knowest thou me not? Would I take unto my bosom a daughter of Murkah and brake the covenant which the LORD did make with thee and all thy generations?

26.  ‘Of course not. She is of the tribe of Rus and shall return thither next week except I marry her.’

27.  Then spake Aaron’s grandmother and said ‘It is not meet that the sons of Po should take the daughters of Rus. They are no good thieving violent lying heartless swine every one, but other than that, they are the salt of the earth.

28.  ‘They are responsible for all the trouble in the land of Po, except for that which the Men of Ger did do, and without them the land of Po would be a paradise on Earth, if thou disregardest the climate and the economy. And the people.’

29.  And although his father said that women of Rus were permissable in the covenant which the LORD their God had made with him yet did the word of his grandmother prevail for a season and did sway the mind of Aaron against Maria and he went not unto her for several days as he knew not his own mind.

30.  And to help himself to know his own thoughts he went to Yuzneth and there saw he Jeth looking most gorgeous and quarreling with one Mark of Po.

31.  And Aaron did feel sorely tempted to go to Jeth there and then and take her to wife, and therefore he decided that in order to put himself from temptation to sin in this way he would take Maria, and would not hearken to the words of his grandmother.

32.  And he spake unto all the people of Yuzneth at the top of his voice, saying ‘I have just kissed a girl named Maria, and suddenly have I found how wonderful a sound can be’.

33.  And there was silence in the place and Jeth the daughter of Silverman walked out, not shewing her face unto any man.

34.  Then saith Aaron ‘Jeth shall follow me from group unto group, despite the above.’

35.  And the daughters of Yuzneth took up stones and sought to stone Aaron, but he disappeared from their sight.

Chapter Five

1.      Aaron sought Maria, having decided to wed her, but no man could find her for that she was departed from the coasts of Murkah.

2.      Her friends said unto Aaron that she had been wroth when he did not give unto any message nor did he come unto her for three days and three nights.

3.      And it came to pass that even before the time when the limit of her sojourn was come upon her she packed her chattels unto her chest and did make for the portal of heaven that is of Kennedah, and did take a flight back to the land of Rus.

4.      And Aaron said ‘She cannot come unto me. I will go unto her’.

5.      But unto his grandmother Aaron said ‘Because of thine interference have I lost Maria that I love. I shall heed thy sayings on the women of Rus no more. And just thou pray that thou hast not ruined my life.’ And he did stomp up the stairs unto his bedchamber and did slam the doors thereof.

6.      Then his father said ‘thou shalt not speak unto thy grandmother on such a wise whilst thou livest under my roof.’

7.      Aaron spake on this wse in reply ‘then shall I get mine own

place if I cannot live under thy roof without being in submission unto a woman.’

8.      And so did Aaron take accommodation in his own name, but he divided it with another man called Rummaith. Now Rummaith was evil.

9.      And when Aaron was without the encampment then did evil Rummaith privily take up the claviature and scrane of Aaron and did send out messages to Yuzneth.

10.  This did he in the name of Aaron, but the messages were not of peace but of war, breathing out fire and slaughter against the mockers and detractors of Yuzneth.

11.  And he also sought to make peace with Jeth the daughter of Silverman, which loved Aaron, by sending a score of scrolls unto her, within each of which it was written a word of embrace.

12.  But Jeth sent word unto the elders of Flashneth who took the matter not lightly that Jeth had been overwhelmed with these scrolls and Aaron was nigh unto losing his place at table there.

13.  But Aaron recounted the tale of evil Rummaith and he was not excommunicated from the congregation of Flashneth. And Aaron did expel evil Rummaith from his quarters.

14.  Then did Aaron go down to the River of Bablynon and did start preaching and prophesying and did baptise the faithful in the waters thereof. He did baptise one Ilya and one Igor, which did take the message far afield.

15.  But the spirit Jackiah the Tokemanite came unto him in the reeds and said unto him ‘Aaron, son of Kulkis. Art thou a virgin?’ But Aaron answered not.

16.  Then came Jackiah a second time and did ask Aaron, son of Kulkis. Art thou a virgin?’ But Aaron answered evasively’.

17.  Then Jackiah saith a third time ‘Aaron, son of Kulkis. Thou answerest not the question that was set. I did ask thee, art thou a virgin? If thou canst not answer, then know I the answer.’

18.  And Aaron saith unto Jackiah ‘Jackiah, Jackiah. Why persecutest thou me? Is it not hard for thee to kick against the pricks?’

19.  And Jackiah saith ‘not at all. It is mine only weakness.’

20.  And Aaron saith ‘Be it far from me, that I should reveal here in Yuzneth details of my private life to the common shew.’

21.  And Aaron did then proceed to give an account of how he had been frustrated in the matter of Maria and how he was to set out on a long journey to the Land of Rus.

22.  He saith unto the congregation ‘Will any man join me? Is any willing to go with me unto that land?’

23.  And two men did come forth, one Daniel the Mighty, whose mind was of such great stature that he must needs go through doors sidewise lest he strike his head against the lintel,

24.  And Jeemiah the son of Dutton, which was come that instant from the land of Arabia, clutching in his hand the towel from the head of Saddam the son of Hussein, which was his guerdon and trophy from that battle.

25.  And the congregation did say unto Jeemiah ‘didst thou slay Saddam?’ And Jeemiah said ‘I had his throat in mine hand, but George the son of Bush did stay mine hand, being a man of great clemency and mercy before the LORD, and Saddam liveth’.

26.  And there was great rejoicing throughout Murkah and the people did say ‘Now shall we fight another day, and many shekels may it cost us.’

27.  And the three wise men did pack their luggage for to travel unto the land of Rus in search of Maria, and Jeemiah did pack many flasks of vod-kah, that is a drink much beloved  by the people of Rus.

28.  And Aaron saith ‘Thou needest not take that vuut-kah to Rus, for it floweth in the streets in plenty.’ And Jeemiah saith ‘I shall drink it on the plain, and thou pronouncest it not aright.’

29.  And there was great dispute between them as to how to pronounce the word and how to frame it with the lips, so that the dispute was only ended when there was no more vod-kah to argue over anywise.

30.  And Jeth the daughter of Silverman did accompany the three wise men unto the air portal, provoking Aaron son of Kulkis and chiding with him always.

Chapter Six

1.      When that the three wise men, that is, Aaron the Son of Kulkis, Jeemiah the Duttonite and Daniel the Mighty were come unto the portal of air that is in the City of Peter in the land of Rus, then did the reek and stench of a great fish come upon them, as if they had been in the belly of the whale forty days and forty nights.

2.      And Aaron said unto his fellows ‘can ye smell of the thunny?’ And they said ‘yea, verily, it is the stank of the thunny that is come unto our nostrils’

3.      And lo, there cometh unto them one that was known to them of Yuzneth, an acceptor of Fath, one Stephen the son of Chaniah. And he saith unto Jeemiah the Duttonite ‘It is I, what art thou going to do about it?’

4.      And Jeemiah did promptly strike him upside the head, and Stephen the son of Chaniah did fall heavily upon the ground.

5.      Then did the officers of the land of Rus seize Jeemiah, even at the portal of air, and did place him in the prison that they might know of him what was the reason of this disturbance.

6.      And seven men of the tribe of Rus did take the body of Stephen the son of Chaniah and did make ready to bury it, but Aaron said unto them, ‘stay your hands, for this fellow is not dead but sleepeth’. The men of Rus had striven for to awaken him but in vain.

7.      Then said Aaron, ‘have ye a pack of snacky cakes? This will awaken him.’ And they did give it unto Aaron

8.      When that Aaron did open the cakes by the nostrils of Stephen the son of Chaniah then did Stephen’s eyes open as if he did awake from his night’s rest and not from certain death by smacking.

9.      And he did devour the cakes, and Aaron did say unto him ‘How goeth the diet, chubs?’

10.  Whereupon Stephen was wroth with Aaron, but the men of Rus did hail him saying, ‘this man performeth miracles. How can we serve thee, Master?’

11.  And Aaron saith unto them, ‘Men and brethren, I have come into your land to find Maria. I pray you take me unto her.

12.  And the officers of Rus said ‘verily thou askest no light thing, for in the land of Rus we have ten thousand women who go by that name, and I speak only of the ones worth enquiring of. If thou considerest the hounds, there are a score of thousands more.

13.  Then said Aaron, ‘Sir. This Maria is no hound. She is the woman that I love and who loves me only. She is the fairest of all maidens and the most virtuous.’

14.  Then said they all with one accord, ‘then know we well whom thou meanest’ and did take Aaron to a place where the most virtuous women did stay, and did shew him Maria. Daniel and Jeemiah, who was let out of jail for that Chaniah was alive, went into other chambers with others of the virtuous maidens.

15.  Then did Aaron say unto Maria, ‘wilt thou not return with me to Murkah and be my wife?’ And she said ‘Nay, I will not. For I like this not.’ Wherewith she did grasp the flesh of his gut, which was grown fat.

16.  Then said Aaron, ‘Woman, thou speakest truth. I did cast disdain upon Stephen the son of Chaniah for that he is fifty pounds overweight, when I myself am five pounds overweight.

17.  O wretched hypocrite that I am, the chief of all the fatsoes. I am unwittingly become an acceptor of Fath’. And forthwith did Aaron give himself over to fasting and vigorous exercise before the LORD.

18.  When that the three wise men did meet up after their visit unto the house wherein did dwell Maria and the other virtuous women, Jeemiah the Duttonite did declare that he was well pleased with the women of the country.

19.  Aaron said ‘It is for us to lead the men of Murkah to understand that all should take their women from this place. Let the women of Murkah be barren and fruitless before the LORD, for they do deserve it.

20.  They do nothing to please the menfolk, and are but mean, cantankerous harlots who do prize themselves in excess of rubies when in truth they are as the dung that is swept from the stable floor.

21.  Then did Daniel the Mighty open his lips and speak forth the following discourse:

22.  ‘The winners in this game are foremost the maidens of Rus, who do thereby cash in on the true market value
of their pulchritude. Perchance they shall have to endure the first loser who importeth them for a few years, but nothing worth having cometh easily.

23.  ‘The nextmost winners are all the men of Murkah, who find their prospects enriched with the top fraction of the genestock of the women of Rus. Even the menfolk which are too poor for to get their own maiden of Rus shall benefit from the trickledown, for that the displaced women of Murkah shall must needs lower
their sights incrementally.

24.  ‘The losers are firstly the men of Rus. Their real attractiveness to women on the world market is even lower than that of the men of Murkah.

25.  ‘In a world of free trade shall this become abundantly clear.

26.  ‘The nextmost losers are all but the fairest of the women of Murkah. The comeliest five in every hundred will not take thought even if an equally large number of equally fair women of Rus do shew up in the land and do begin to vie for the greatest of the menfolk

27.  ‘But all the women of Murkah that are not comely shall move down by one rung on the ladder of desirability.’

28.  And Aaron was amazed and said unto Daniel the Mighty ‘Didst thou say all that without drawing thy breath?’ And Daniel said ‘I did’. Whereupon Jeemiah said ‘the Mighty one hath a chronic case of running ordure of the words’.

29.  Thereunto did Daniel say ‘it is not my fault if I am as learned and powerful of wit as thou and he taken together. I did not ask for to be created thus.’

30.  And Aaron did say unto the other wise men ‘Let us return from hence unto our hostelry. A cold coming we have had of it’

31.  Jeemiah said ‘Yea, thou hast said it. They should by rights have lit a fire for to make warm the chambers of that house of pleasure.’

32.  And they did return unto the inn whereat they did sojourn, and did eat, drink and were merry, except that Aaron could not eat, so that he might lose the heavy weight that had come upon him.

Chapter Seven

1.      The next morning did Aaron rise ere the cock crowed and did jog himself around the City of Peter.

2.      And whiles he was jogging himself, there did pass by him a comely maiden who did jog herself also, but with a swiftness that did pass comprehension.

3.      Aaron did seek in vain to keep pace with her and did cry out unto her ‘Dyevushka, dyevushka! Kak tebya zovut?’ which being translated from the language of the Rus meaneth ‘Maiden, o maiden! How art thou called?’

4.      And when that she heard his voice and knew that he was from the land of Murkah, she did rethink herself and halt at once.

5.      For it had been her first intent to evade this stranger, but the men of Murkah are well beloved of the women of Rus.

6.      And she did answer him in the tongue of Murkah ‘My name is Irina, if it please thee. And what is thy name?’

7.      And Aaron said ‘I am Aaron, son of Kulkis. I am sorry, I thought that thou wert a woman of Rus, but now I hear that thou art of the tribe of Brith’ (For the tribe of Brith had taken the tongue of the people of Murkah and had altered it to suit their strange conditions).

8.      But Irina did reply ‘Nay, but I am a Rusite in all verity, as I thought thou wast when I did hear thee call.’

9.      Then said Aaron unto the maiden, ‘How cometh it, that thou speakest the tongue of the Brith?’ And Irina replied ‘I speak a score of languages, and in each can no man tell that I was not a native born unto the tribe that carrieth that tongue’.

10.  And Aaron said ‘Canst thou play upon the claviature and scrane?’ and Irina said ‘Yea verily. Indeed, I have made mine own from birch bark and acorns.’

11.  And Aaron said ‘Wilt thou marry me?’ and Irina said ‘I will consider thereon. Have thine accountant draw up a statement of thy personal wealth’.

12.  And Aaron did rejoice, and said ‘love is come unto me this day. This Irina is gentle, disinterested and humble. Not like the bitches that roam the streets of Murkah like roaring lions, seeking whom they may devour.

13.  And he did introduce Irina unto his fellows that day, and Daniel was much enamoured of Irina, she being the only woman he had found whose mind could match his own.

14.  And when that Aaron was gone unto the store to fetch that which was necessary against the feast, so did Daniel make clear his love unto Irina.

15.  And Irina asked of him, ‘Hast thou six figures, as Aaron hath?’ but the Mighty One replied ‘Nay, I have but five. But I have an excellent mind, as thou thyself hast, and our children would be geniuses and rule the world’

16.  And Irina said ‘I fear that if we should combine thine intelligence and mine we would have children whose heads would explode at the age of five from the sheer brain power contained within.

17.  ‘Please, speak unto me no more on this matter.’ And Daniel was downcast, as it is written, how are the Mighty fallen.

18.  Thus did Irina prove her great faithfulness unto Aaron when under temptation.

19.  And it came to pass that Aaron, the son of Kulkis, did send unto his accountant and did cause to be drawn up a statement of personal wealth.

20.  And Irina saw it and saw that it was not good. And she spake unto Aaron, the son of Kulkis, saying ‘Wherefore hast thou but the half of thine house and thy brother hath the other?’

21.  And Aaron did say, ‘he dwelleth therein also, why should it all be mine. Am I my brother’s keeper?’

22.  And Irina did say unto Aaron ‘Thou offerest me but half an house. Am I but half a woman?’

23.  And Aaron did say,’As it is written in the book of Joel, thou art always a woman to me.

24.  And remember, half an house is better than no bread. And half a great house is more than a whole tiny hovel.’

25.  Then did Irina hold her peace, and spake no more on the matter at this time, saying only that Aaron should cause his treasurer to send three thousand shekels as the first payment of the bride price, and that then she would present Aaron unto her father, which was a general in the army of the Rus.

26.  Then did Aaron sent for the three thousand shekels of silver and did give them unto Irina. And Irina saw that it was good, and she took Aaron to meet her father.

27.  And her father spake unto Aaron, saying, ‘Thou hast found favour in my sight. If thou wilt work for me seven years, then thou mayst wed my daughter’

28.  And Aaron did reply, ‘how can I come and work for thee when I must needs live in Murkah?’

29.  Then said the father of Irina, General Labanov, the work that I have for thee to do is to be done in Murkah. Thou art of the army of that land, I am of the army of Rus.

30.  It is not right that our countries’ armies, which are such great friends, should not always have knowledge of the same things. Thou wilt help us to know that which ye of Murkah know.

31.  When thou shalt have told us of all things whatsoever shall have come unto thine ears from the eunuchs of that land whom thou engineerest, for a space of seven years,

32.  ‘And shalt have told us of all men of Murkah or of Brith which are in the land of Rus in service under the shawl of being of our tribe, then shall I give thee Irina to wife, and not before.’

33.  Then was Aaron exceeding glad, and his countenance shone as the sun.

Chapter Eight

1.      When that Aaron the son of Kulkis had sojourned with his companions in the land of Rus seven days and seven nights the time was upon them to depart again unto the coasts of Murkah.

2.      And Irina did give unto Aaron a small box, fashioned of black metal, and did say unto him,’here is all that thou requirest for to speak unto my father.

3.      ‘Whenever thou shalt tell him something of use, then shall he permit thee to speak unto me. Now farewell, until we meet again.’

4.      And Aaron did seek to kiss her for farewell, but Irina was wroth and did chide with him, saying, ‘seem I unto thee as one of the loose women that thou hast known in Murkah? Verily I am a virtous woman, and not a decadent whore like the spoilt and useless vixens to whom thou art accustomed.’

5.      And Aaron did repent before her and did say that he would seek to kiss her no more until they should be married.

6.      And Irina spake unto Aaron, son of Kulkis, saying, ‘I trust that thou thinkest not to insult me when I shall be thy wife, either.’ And Aaron was troubled in his breast.

7.      And he said, ‘Maybe, in that case, thou art not the girl for me.’ But then Irina smiled and said ‘Canst thou not tell when I am making a pleasantry?’ And then did she suffer Aaron to kiss her on the cheek.

8.      Then did the three wise men depart for Murkah, and the concubines of Daniel the Mighty and Jeemiah the Duttonite did accompany them to the portal of air.

9.      Aaron said unto his companions that they must make haste but they could not keep pace with him for that their collions did ache from much use.

10.  When the wise men were yet in the air, then did Aaron have misgivings about his choice of bride, for that Jeemiah did continually mock him over the coldness of Irina, and Daniel did make lengthy discourse that there was much in that which Jeemiah did say.

11.  Then did Aaron pray unto the LORD from the closet of the aircraft, saying ‘If Irina is not the woman thou intendest for me, O LORD, I pray that thou will give me a sign,’

12.  Then did a great storm blow up at once and there was thunder and lighting and great turbulence, such that had the craft not had the shell of the prophet Faradayah for protection, they would surely have been struck many times by lightning.

13.  Then founts of the earth were broken up, and red hot stones flew through the sky

14.  Then did the earth go black and the sun did not give his light, and the birds of the air did fly backwards past the windows of the craft. The drinks and food within the craft did fly around in turmoil and the stewardesses did derobe themselves and dance naked in the aisles.

15.  And when this was past did Aaron pray unto the LORD and said ‘Any little sign, O LORD, and it will suffice for me.’

16.  And when they were come to land at the port of Kennedah, so did Aaron see Jeth the daughter of Silverman waiting for to accompany him back unto Detro-Ith.

17.  And she did ask tenderly of Aaron, ‘I see that thou hast not brought Maria with thee?’ And Jeemiah the Duttonite said ‘Nay, for  she did blow him out for being fat.’

18.  And Jeth said, ‘this is no matter, for I know of some potions that will help thee.’

19.  Then did one Lee from the dale of Martin, and one Siobhan the Perriconite appear from their hiding places and did block their way.

20.  For each was as large as Behemoth of old, so that there was no way around them, nor under them, nor over them was there any way.

21.  And they did scream at Jeth, ‘we would fain moderate this conversation, for thou speakest of potions and other witchcraft, which things ought not to be made mention of in this place.

22.  Aaron, thou must accept thyself as thou art, and wouldst thou grow to be even bigger than we, then still must thou say unto thyself each day ‘I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and wise, and I pity any boy who is not me tonight. Dadadadada da da daah dadaaaah.’

23.  And Aaron did rebuke them saying ‘O, but ye are pretty, ye acceptors of Fath; o so pretty. Pretty vacant, that is.’

24.  And then Aaron, Jeemiah, Jeth and Daniel all sought to push their way through this barricade of flab but to none avail. T’was as in the days of Gog and Magog when the Lucasites engulfed the alien red corpuscles.

25.  Then said Aaron ‘Where is my God when I need him? I pray the LORD to send his ministering angels to relieve me from this oppression’

26.  And at once did Jackiah the Tokemanite appear along with another spirit, which did take the form of a starling,

27.  And then did Jackiah provoke Lee of the dale of Martin and the starling did provoke Siobhan the Perriconite so that they could not resist the temptation to answer, and they went off chasing the spirits and the wise men and Jeth could continue on their way.

28.  When they were come home again safely, did Jeth say unto Aaron privily,’I rejoice that thou art still free. Maria was not good enough for thee.’

29.  But Aaron did then tell Jeth of Irina, of his instant love for her, and of how he was to work but seven years and he could have her to wife.

30.  And Jeth was amazed and told Aaron, ‘Perchance I am not the best person to tell this unto thee, for that I am not free of partiality in the matter of Irina,

31.  But is it right that thou shouldst make thyself a traitor to the land that hath nurtured thee, and cause many valiant servants of that land to die ignobly, all for a girl who will not give herself unto thee out of love?’

32.  And then was Aaron wroth and his countenance became as red as fire, and he did splutter incoherently.

33.  And they of Yuzneth did hear Aaron’s ravings and did ask ‘what giveth?’

34.  And Aaron did say ‘Jeth speweth out nonsense as a means of sidetracking discussions that are headed in a direction she liketh not’

35.  ‘She claimeth to have killscrolled me, but despite that she followeth me about everywhere I go.’

36.  ‘But how can I be with her, seeing that she is a woman of Murkah, and the LORD himself said unto my father, that the women of Murkah are evil, lying bitches and the women of Po, of Rus, of Lith and of Lath, of Czech and of Sloh-Vakiah, of Hun, Rom and Bulgar-Iah, yea even of Yug, of Alb and of Ukran-Iah, are all angels in human form?’

Chapter Nine

1.      When that seven years were accomplished, so did Aaron write unto General Labanov, saying, ‘I have laboured for thee on my claviature and scrane, full seven years as we did agree. Now send me Irina that I may wed her.’

2.      Then did Labanov write unto Aaron, saying, ‘It is well. Only send me three thousand shekels more that I may afford her passage.’

3.      And Aaron did send the money, and Irina did bid her father and her mother farewell and did betake herself unto the coasts of Murkah.

4.      And Irina did come unto Murkah and, having wrangled with the driver of her chariot over his hire did sojourn with Aaron ninety days and ninety nights.

5.      And while Irina did sojourn with the son of Kulkis in Detroith, he did continually tempt her, saying, ‘come, let us have our peecture taken together, for thou art so fair, and every fair from fair sometime declines

6.      By chance or nature, something something something’

7.      And Irina did rebuke Aaron saying ‘I wot not of what thou speakest. Why needest thou my peecture when thou hast me before thine eyes as a living image?

8.      Rememberest thou not the commandment, thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, thou shalt not bow down before it and worship it. Neither shalt thou serve the false gods or Baalim, neither incline thine head to the Biyem-Pee or Jay-Pigee.’

9.      And Aaron responded ‘I would not bow down before it.’

10.  And Irina spake unto Aaron saying,’how so? Thou bowest ever before my person and thou oughtest also to bow to mine image, if indeed I did concur to make one.

11.  I hope thou dost not intend to use mine image as material for the self abuse of thy manhood. There shall be none onanism under my roof’.

12.  And Aaron did say, ‘My darling, I cannot wait until we are married and I shall have no futher need for onanism’

13.  And Irina was perplexed and did enquire ‘why? What shall then change?’

14.  And Aaron did have misgivings about whether he should marry Irina, and he went down to Yuzneth, by the River of Bablynon, to speak on the matter to Jeth, the daughter of Silverman.

15.  And Jeth could not believe that Aaron was in need of onanism, notwithstanding the fact that Irina was here after seven years.

16.  And from the fulness of her heart she let him behold her rack privily and gave him one from the wrist, as she had done many times in the seven years of endurance which Aaron had undergone.

17.  And she did say unto Aaron, ‘Each day, for seven years, thou hast sat sighing by thy casement, hoping for to see her face.

18.  ‘And now that she is here, thou mightest as well forget about her, and find someone to take her place.

19.  ‘I’ll be a substitute, if ever thou wantest me’.

20.   And Aaron looked at her and did say ‘thou temptest me sore, thou daughter of Silverman. But how can I go against the covenant my father made with God?

21.  I have it from the LORD’s own lips that the women of Murkah are by definition, sly and cunning weasels, interested only in gain and in their own vainglorying. They despise men, and are the curse of their own husbands.

22.  Then did Irina, appear from the reeds and say ‘I am a blessing unto thee, O Aaron, for I have enriched thee this day.

23.  ‘For I did take unto thy father that is old and weary a red, red pottage of the Rus today. It is called Borshch. He did delight in it so much that he sold me your brother’s half of the inheritance for a second bowl of it.’

24.  And Aaron was wroth with Irina, for that he did love his brother above all friends in the world, and he did say unto Irina ‘Thou shouldst not have done that, Irina. That is not something I would have done.’

25.  And Irina did say ’Thou likest not that I made the borshch? Should I have made shchi or ukha or solyanka? A nice bulyon with pelmeny?

26.  And Aaron said ‘thou shouldst not have bought my brother’s birthright for a mess of pottage’.

27.  And Irina spake unto Aaron and said ‘If thou wilt call my cooking a mess, thou canst well do the cooking in my stead. For we have already established that thou shalt do the rest of the housework.’

28.  But Jeth said that she would prepare victuals for the house of Aaron if she could be permitted but to look upon her love. And Irina said, ‘no problem. It is not like it mattereth unto me.’

29.  And it came to pass that Aaron and Irina were wed and great was the rumour throughout Yuzneth and the River  of Bablynon flowed with wine and the petals of roses, as they did at the marriage of Jeemiah the Duttonite with  Zhanna the Rusite.

30.  But the ancient enemies of Aaron were astounded, and did eep and whinge and stamp with the feet, and did say that the images of his nuptials that he did send form his claviature and scrane unto all the world had been created fraudulently, and that no such Wedding had been.

31.  But Aaron was victorious over all, and did take his bride into the chamber and did take from her the ultimate favour:

32.  To wit, a kiss on the cheek  and a stroke of his forehead with her fair hand, after which she did tear her hand from his and did push him from the chamber and did slam the door thereof in his countenance.

33.  And as Aaron turned away weeping from the door he beheld Jeth observing him and shaking her lovely head in all sadness.

Chapter Ten

1.      So saith Aaron unto Jeth, give thou unto me, I pray thee, the relief that thou didst give me heretofore. But Jeth said unto Aaron, ‘it is not meet for me to touch thy nakedness now, for thou art a married man.

2.      And Aaron said,’then there is nothing that can be done for me. In any event I shall have to leave Detroit for Irina wishes to go unto the Ford of  Oxen.

3.      And Jeth saith ‘Hey, is that anything like the Ford that is the son of Haris?’

4.      And Aaron saith ‘Nay, but it is a place of learning in the land of Brith that is almost, but not quite, as good as that of the Bridge of Cam.

5.      So Jeth said, ‘Hey baby. You’ll go your way, and I’ll go mine

6.      But in the meantime, when we’re together, touching each other, when we’re dancing, smooching and swaying, gentle love song softly playing, then

7.      Move closer, move thy body really close until it seemeth like we’re really making love.’

8.      And on this wise did Aaron achieve a certain satisfaction, to the detriment of his night attire.

9.      Some days later did Aaron grow tired of Irina and of the strict regime of work that she did place on him. And he began to cast doubt on the faith of his father, and to wonder within himself whether there could not have been found a  woman of Murkah even more submissive than his bride.

10.  And when that Irina did return in the chariot of Aaron from the stores where she had purchased unto herself an elegant sufficiency from Aaron’s card of credit

11.  Then did Aaron speak unto her saying ‘Irina, thou knowest that I did work for thy father for seven years for thine hand.’

12.  And Irina did say ‘Yea, so?’

13.  Aaron did continue ‘I feel I must confess unto thee, now that thou art my wife, that the information which I gave unto thy father was all false testimony, and all the items that I did smuggle unto him strategically worthless.

14.  ‘Did ye think that I would in truth have betrayed Murkah? Just because I despise her women meaneth not that I hold in contempt the land. I am no traitor to the land of the free.’

15.  And Irina did reply saying, ‘dost thou think my father is a little boy, born yesterday and having the waters of the womb not yet dry behind his ears?

16.  For when that thou didst send to us parts which thou didst say were of the stealth fighter, so did we seek to assemble them in the yard of our house.

17.  We saw the coating of Tef-Lon and immediately set to work the wise men of Rus testing Tef-Lon against radar.

18.  But then we realised that no fighter was emerging from our assembly efforts, and that the whole thing was but a non-stick mass-catering installation for the feeding of five thousand.

19.  And the double agents thou didst finger unto us and the which we had set before the firing squad, we discovered on closer inspection to have been the best of our army catering staff.

20.  Then did my father say unto me, ‘I think that thine Aaron is verily no soldier proper. It seemeth unto me that he is a cook.’

21.  And Aaron did reply, ‘when people call me so, they usually spell it otherwise’.

22.  ‘Was the General then wroth with me, for that I did send kitchen machines under the guise of weapons of warfare? Did not the prophet say that men shall beat their spears into pruning hooks?

23.  ‘I have but cutten out the middle man. Say, therefore, Irinochka, that thy father was not wroth.

24.  ‘Nay, not at last, for my father hath gotten himself thereby a good business sideline selling cappucino machines, toasters and deep fat friers on Peterskaya Street.

25.  And they did have a good laugh thereover.

26.  Some days later did Daniel the Mighty come to stay at the house of Kulkis and they did speak of the days they did spend together in the land of Rus. Daniel had also helped to arrange a place for Irina in the Ford of Oxen.

27.  The Mighty one did stay with them for two weeks and was continually entertaining Irina with his lengthy intelligent discourses while Aaron did work on his claviature and scrane at Yuzneth, and did threaten death to Scrauni and Eni-El and a pox on both their houses.

28.  But Daniel must have done a great service to Aaron and put the word in for him most effectually, for no sooner did his sojourn with them come to and end than the frigidness of Irina to Aaronward was vanquished and the son of Kulkis did take the guerdon of his holy union with Irina.

29.  Not long thereafter Irina spake unto Aaron her husband saying ‘Aaronochek, I am with child’. And Aaron did rejoice and was exceeding glad, and said ‘we shall call his name Daniel, in honour of my friend and what he has done for me.’

30.  And Irina said ‘yea, that is most seeming and becoming.’And so it came to pass that when her term was accomplished she gave birth to a man child and did call his name Daniel.

31.  And at the birth of this child there was rejoicing among the host of heaven, yea even among the cherubim and seraphim and chaim and serenebim.

32.   And lo, there were shepherds abididng in the fields keeping watch over their flocks by night, and unto them did appear Jackiah the Tokemanite and they were sore afraid.

33.  But Jackiah said unto them

fear not.

For I bring you glad tidings of great joy

If Aaron can get himself a hot babe from Rus

And keep her happy

So can any of you.

Heh heh heh.

Jackiah ‘Gabriel’ Tokemanite

34.  And Aaron was visited by three wise men of Yuzneth, one Emperor Ming, and Stephen the son of Chaniah, that needed to be borne on two camels, and also Daniel the Mighty.

35.  And the Emperor and son of Chaniah did give but small gifts unto the son of Aaron, Stephen did give a can of beer and the Emperor did give a tape from Ross, the son of Jeffrey.

36.  And they did make rude remarks about the son of Aaron, saying, he hath a big head, and is surely the result of inbreeding.

37.  And they then fled as it was rumoured that Jeemiah the Duttonite was to visit.

38.  But Daniel the Mighty said ‘there is naught amiss if the babe hath greatness of the head. It is a mark of majesty and authority.’ And he did give unto the babe gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.

39.  And Daniel, the son of Aaron, was a child of unparalleled wisdom and intellect so much so that when he was but five years of age he could debate with all the philosophers and men of letters of the land of Murkah.

40.  And Aaron said ‘behold, he hath his father’s mind.’ In this Irina could not but concur.

41.  Now Aaron was never again allowed into the chamber of Irina, or even in the house whenever the Mighty one did visit,

42.  Notwithstanding over time he came not to mind this, for he found in Jeth the daughter of Silverman a most loving concubine, which was no rupture of the covenant which his father had made with the LORD, for that he had not married her, and there was nothing against having women of Murkah as concubines.

43.  Seeing that it had the tacit acceptance not only of the LORD but also of his wife, Jeth became over time willing to accept Aaron more fully, and in due season he had a daughter of her, one Jezebel Delilah Kulkis,

44.  Whom Aaron was able to train up to know how rotten and evil she was, being a female born in the land of Murkah, as opposed to his beloved son, Daniel, with whom he was well pleased.

45.  And Aaron said unto his son ‘Hear thou, my son Daniel, the LORD thy God is one LORD. And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thy mind and with all thy soul and with all thy strength. But thou shalt take no woman of Murkah to wife or else thou shalt be accursed.

46.  But boy, do they make good concubines.

47.  Now unto him that is able to keep this parody from going beyond bounds be glory and dominion in the church and throughout earth both now and evermore, world without end. Amen.

Thus endeth the Book of Aaron.

Uncle Davey, 1999.

This work is a work of fiction and is a liberal mix of fact and fantasy. No real life conclusions can be drawn from anything described in it. Also, no disrespect to the original scriptures are intended by this story.

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• Sabotage (sabinspirations.wordpress.com)
• Wednesday Poem (3quarksdaily.com)
• “Three shall be the number thou shalt count” (theangryhedgehog.com)