Category Archives: Satire and Comedy

Everything in this section has been measured as having at least 7,5 dHE (deutsche Humoreinheiten, or German Units of Humour, which is the EU industrial standard), so don’t you go telling me it’s not funny. Like, what the heck do you know?

A little joke collection


Cessna

Cessna’s trademark. Amazing what you can pack into them…

This one’s been doing the rounds on emails. Hope you like it.

1. Two blondes walk into a building — you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message: ‘If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.’

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.’

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day — but I couldn’t find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli — a strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know, I’ve cut off your hands’.

7. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10 Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on that.’

11. ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing: ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’
Doc says, ‘That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. ‘
‘Is it common, doc?’
‘Well, it’s not unusual.’

12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. ‘My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’
‘Well,’ says the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him.’ and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’
‘What? — because he’s cross-eyed?’
‘No, because he’s really, really, heavy’

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? — a fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It’s either my mum or my Dad — or my older brother Colin — or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu — but I think it’s Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’ The second one replies, ‘So are you, you fat bastard!’

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’

20 . A man walked into the doctor’s, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’
The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there any more’

21. Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

I don’t get it…


I was passed the following photo which is doing the rounds in the email channels. From the context I understand that it is supposed to be funny in some way, but for the life of me I cannot tell what it is. Can any of the subbers help?

2012-12-31

Climate change…


The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as ‘English Weather’. Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as ‘Muslim Weather’ (Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi’ite).

 

An amusing JPG that has been doing the rounds this week


I’ll just add this here in case any of my readers have missed it.

 

Huliganov rants at Borat


Playout date: 26 October 2006
Camera: Logitech Webcam
Post Production: Windows Movie Maker – medium use
Location: Office Jazdow 8a
Other people featured: None
Genre: Hulirant
Music used: Yesterday once more” by the Carpenters – karaoke track
Languages used: English
Animals featured: Fish behind, mainly Ameca splendens

How dare this Sacha Baron Cohen person pretend to be a Kazakhstanian when he is really an English person all along? It is shocking.  Such was the basic idea of this little film, and of course my regular viewers immediately got the irony.  But spare a thought for the casual commentator, who took it all on face value and some of the resulting comments are hilarious! Click on the video box to see them back in YouTube land…

LPR Super Party


Playout date: 24 October 2006
Camera: WM Capture/Recorder/Converter
Post Production: Windows Movie Maker – slight use
Location: Nowy Swiat, Warsaw
Other people featured: Not known
Genre: Nicked for subtitling
Music used: None
Languages used: Polish
Animals featured: None

This is probably the first example I can think of of when I have simply taken a film from another source and added subtitles in translation.  As a rule I don’t do much third-party stuff on my channel, but there are three cases where I do. The one case was the radio stuff which Stuart Heron captured the video for and I added to my channel with the agreement of play radio. Another case is Soviet films which actually belong to everybody and which have not always been shown in full on YouTube.  In these cases I have put them on if I had them.  The third case is where I have taken something which is vailable and popular but not yet in English and I’ve taken it in order to produce the English version with a translation given as subtitles.  This is an example of this case.
It has become one of my most popular videos, and to a degree I think I foresaw that it would be. I uploaded this from the office while working with another colleague, and that colleague and I were checking back every so often looking at the views which hit a hundred on the first day. I wasn’t used to that back then and I’m still not really used to it although it happened one or two times since.  One thing is sure Polish people are heavy users of the Internet especially you Tube and they do like their politics.

A message about homophobes


Playout date: 14 October 2006
Camera: Logitech Webcam
Post Production: Windows Movie Maker – slight use
Location: Home
Other people featured: None
Genre: Spoof
Music used: Promise Me” by Beverly Craven – Karaoke
Languages used: Geordie English
Animals featured: None

Polish-origin Geordie Peter Paczek (pronounced Poncheck) returns to give us a quick lesson for foreigners learning English.

One of the pitfalls for learners of English is the problem of homophobes in English, Peter says. That’s words that sound the same, but are spelled differently and have different meanings. Here is a guide to some of them.

We finish up with a rendition of Beverly Craven’s lovely song “Promise Me”. Don’t miss the comments to this one by clicking through to the YouTube original via the video above – there are some classical ones among the comments to this one!

Count von Weytzentrenner’s Oktoberfest appeal to North Korea


Playout date: 7 October 2006
Camera: Logitech Webcam
Post Production: WMM
Location: Home
Other people featured: My wife
Genre: Comedy
Music used: A little “Lano Moje” in the intro
Languages used: English, German
Animals featured: None

Oktoberfest is, for Germans, one of the most important dates in the Christian calendar, but while drinkning copious amounts of alcohol and swaying from side to side, spare a thought for the North Koreans, and  their leader King John the second, who needs to give up his weapons testing. Count Sproey von Weytzentrenner has no truck with Communists, and is sure that King John of Korea feels likewise, and sings him “Born Free” in a hamster’s voice, accompanied on the beerstein.

Watching this I can’t help feeling a lot of reminiscence as it was only 5 years ago but still my wife was able to walk freely around the home without crutches. How fine she looks in this video.

ICMTSU: You just can’t make this stuff up.


I received the following mail which seems to be doing the rounds. It was funnier than the ones I’ve seen before so I thought I’d share (click on any image and it should take you to a place you can look at them one by one full-size and without overlapping):

Something to lighten the mood…

Imbecile’s guide to the EU


Playout date: 30 September 2006
Camera: Hypercam
Post Production: Windows Movie Maker – medium use
Location: On the net
Other people featured: None
Genre: Quirky
Music used: None
Languages used: English
Animals featured: None

 

This piece is a Hypercam piece with a voice-over.

The voice over was an imbecile based on the level that this awful EU propaganda film appeared to be aimed at. It was a little influenced by Brookers’ successful “paste” character in the early days of YouTube.

In April 2009 I took this down and today I have replaced it by as unlisted – you won’t find it in any of the standard in-site links in YT, and only follows of this blog and anyone you’ve shared the link above with will be able to see it.

The reason was not that the EU became less objectionable to me or the propaganda film from the EU site which I’m showing here any the less pathetic, quite the contrary. I just did not want random people coming along to think that the object of my mockery was people with speech impediments, or genuinely low-intelligence people who don’t deserved to be mocked, as they didn’t choose to be dull and where less is given less will be required.

I believe I can trust the regular viewers of this blog to be more discerning than the at-large YT population, hence the chance from private status to unlisted today, for this blog only.

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