Category: Poems by me

Love and Grumpiness, or, the Pre-Christmas Spirit – with fine poem wot I wrote.

Original YT playout date: 30 January 2010
Duration: 25:22

“Twas the week before Christmas, and all round the town
Uncle Davey found things that were making him frown
The carp were all stuffed in a tank full of piss
Thinking “even the frying pan’s better than this”
With soap suds and fungus – a piteous sight!
(But I show the way to keep catfish aright)
With incomplete sets and confusing intentions
The products for children’s gifts needed a mention
Just one dwarf per set, while the picture showed seven
May these toy makers get their reward in heaven!
No Happy, No Sneezy, Ach, Donner und Blitzen
Das ganze Ding war nur ein Krock von Schitzen
Thought up by some in-Doc-trinated numpty
To catch out the Dopey, but make the rest Grumpy!
Just boxes of cons were the toys on store shelves
While the queues for a tire change were tiring themselves
With temperatures minus fourteen, and the rest
You wouldn’t want to be out improperly dressed.
Fine folk of goodwill bearing Dortmund plates
Parked up for a while in the invalid space
No badge they did show, and the mother jumped out
Like a sprite, disability strongly in doubt
So they got named and shamed and blamed and inflamed
But let us just pray that they do not get lamed.
For the real needy not one ounce of consideration
But no balls to get out and make confrontation!
But I heard her exclaim as I strolled out of sight
“You can’t film me, man, for I know my rights.”
Continue reading “Love and Grumpiness, or, the Pre-Christmas Spirit – with fine poem wot I wrote.” →

Everyone considers her the liar of the country…

“Twenty years of silence
Were bottled up inside her
She wasn’t holding nothing back
The media got it all
When Charlotte left the press room
Not a Johnsonite was standing
She said “This one’s for Brexit!”
As she watched the last one fall.”

Every political interference in human affairs has undesired side-effects. (Poem)

 

Employees are given a lot of rights, so employers are scared to employ and try their best to stick to subbies.

Wives come out of divorces with all the assets and all the custody rights, and then the next generation can’t get hubbies.

The Government pushes diet advice like healthy whole grains then wonders why there are more and more tubbies.

We need less political correctness, rather to remember basic good manners, and what brotherly, and sisterly, and for that matter sexual love is.

From “Mariam El-Bobini”, the new Disney Musical about an ISIS bride who flew in by means of a magic burqa.

Pwacticawwy perfect in evewwy way?

Super Caliphatalistic Fragile Ego Lupus
All these women went off freely now they want to dupe us
If they say it loud enough the media’ll join their stupors
Super Caliphatalistic Fragile Ego Lupus

Umm diddle iddle iddle um diddle ISIS
Umm diddle iddle iddle um diddle ISIS

They travelled half way round the world, and everywhere they went
They got seduced by terrorists in a desert tent
They got to watch beheadings and girls sent to slavery
While they had tasty kebabs and a lovely cuppa tea – whooh!

Super Caliph etc.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Sham Shamima Sham Shamima Sham Sham Sherie,
I think myself lucky you’re not my mummy
Sham Shamima Sham Shamima Sham Sham Sheroo
Good luck will rub off when they prosecute you.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

And a tankful of NATO makes the ISIS fall down
ISIS fall down, the ISIS fall down
Yes a tankful of NATO makes the ISIS fall down
In a most delightful way.

Baghdadi feathering his nest had very little time for rest
While dodging missiles aimed right at his lair
And every task he undertook, inspired by that book
Became undone, as we all had our fun,

for a
Tankful of NATO makes the ISIS fall down
The ISIS fall down, yes the ISIS fall down
Yes a tankful of NATO makes the ISIS fall down
In a most delightful way.

Would anyone like to suggest further re-edited Mary Poppins lyrics to suit the Shamima Begum case? Your poetic efforts welcomed in the comments below. Or maybe suggestions on how to adapt the screenplay of Mary Poppins to suit the ISIS Brides situation. Instead of the Suffragettes campaigning for women’s votes as in the original, there could be a campaign by woman demanding not to be allowed to vote. Instead of a run on the bank, maybe something to do with the price of Brent Crude? Your creative ideas, please!

Odes of Odium

1. Ode to Nancy Pelosi

Drain drain drain
This cold gray swamp
Let them feel the pain
Administered by Trump
Make it clean again
With that drainage pump.

Nancy, Nancy, Nancy,
Don’t think we are nosey
But your tastes look too fancy
We are not so dozy
As to give public finances
For private costs of Pelosi…

2. Ode to Diane Abbott:

O come, thou Bob Mugabe, come
To England’s humble shores
And take thine erring sister home
Back to yours.

Sir Simon Schama tried to shame her
Party for its views
But they carry on to blame the
Schoah on the Jews.

Abbott takes enormous fees
When telling students “hello”
Her comedy begs the question, “Please,
Abbott, where’s Costello?”

She has a great command of figures
A la Dr Evil
And all the population sniggers
Although I doubt that she will.

So Bob, please come and get her
Before she does more harm
And you in charge can set her
Of some stolen farm.

3. Ode to David Lammy

The enemy within.
It’s not his skin
At fault you’ll find
It’s just his mind.

 

More odes of odium and prose of opprobrium to come.