After 30 years of marriage a wife says to her husband,
“I am fed up of you watching too much sport on TV, snoring, never doing your share of the housework and not bringing in very much money. And now you’re retiring you can think again if you think you’re going to be under my feet all day. I own the house, you can pack your bags and off you go!”
So he packs his suitcases into the car and as he’s about to drive off she says “And I hope you die a slow and painful death”.
He replies “What, you mean I’m staying after all?”
Reeves and Starmer are driving along a London street and the car stops at traffic lights next to a shop window, and there are articles of clothing hanging up with price labels on them – a pair of trousers labelled £50, a coat for £45 and a whole suit for £60.
Starmer says “Our policies to reduce the cost of living are obviously working, Rachel! Anybody would be pretty happy to get a suit like that for £60 pounds. I don’t remember prices like that from a tailor in London under the Tories!”.
Reeves replies “Very true, Keir, but that’s not a tailor, I’m afraid. That’s a dry cleaner.”
The school inspector drops in on an eighth‑grade German class. After greeting the teacher, he turns to a boy in the front row.
“Well then, Tobias — what do you know about Kleist’s Broken Jug?”
Tobias sits up straight and answers earnestly:
“It wasn’t me, sir. I never touched it.”
The inspector stares at the teacher, appalled.
“Did you hear that? What do you say to that?”
The teacher sighs.
“Well… Tobias can be a bit of a rascal. But he never lies. If he says he didn’t break it, then he didn’t break it.”
The inspector, now alarmed, marches straight to the headmaster. The headmaster turns pale.
“Inspector, please — I don’t want this to reflect badly on the school. What would a jug like that cost? If I give you twenty euros, could you pass it on to Kleist and settle the matter?”
The inspector, horrified, rushes back to the Ministry and reports everything to the deputy minister. The deputy minister shakes his head.
“Well, if you ask me… it must have been the headmaster. Nobody pays Kleist that quickly unless they’re guilty.”
An old man in Miami calls his son in New York and says: “Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty‑five years of misery is enough.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son shouts.
“We can’t stand each other anymore,” the father replies. “I can’t bear to see her face, and I’m tired of talking about it. Call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” Then he hangs up.
The son, worried, calls his sister.
She says: “As if they’re really getting divorced!” and immediately phones their father. “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do anything. We’re both coming home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don’t call a lawyer, don’t fill out any papers, DO YOU HEAR ME?” Then she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says: “Okay, they’re coming for Christmas — and they’re paying for their own tickets.”
Cessna’s trademark. Amazing what you can pack into them…
This one’s been doing the rounds on emails. Hope you like it.
1. Two blondes walk into a building — you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message: ‘If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.’
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.’
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day — but I couldn’t find any.
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli — a strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know, I’ve cut off your hands’.
7. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10 Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on that.’
11. ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing: ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’
Doc says, ‘That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. ‘
‘Is it common, doc?’
‘Well, it’s not unusual.’
12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. ‘My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’
‘Well,’ says the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him.’ and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’
‘What? — because he’s cross-eyed?’
‘No, because he’s really, really, heavy’
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? — a fsh.
15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It’s either my mum or my Dad — or my older brother Colin — or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu — but I think it’s Colin.
17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’ The second one replies, ‘So are you, you fat bastard!’
18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
19. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’
20 . A man walked into the doctor’s, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’
The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there any more’
21. Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
