Original YT playout date: 30 January 2010
“Twas the week before Christmas, and all round the town
Uncle Davey found things that were making him frown
The carp were all stuffed in a tank full of piss
Thinking “even the frying pan’s better than this”
With soap suds and fungus – a piteous sight!
(But I show the way to keep catfish aright)
With incomplete sets and confusing intentions
The products for children’s gifts needed a mention
Just one dwarf per set, while the picture showed seven
May these toy makers get their reward in heaven!
No Happy, No Sneezy, Ach, Donner und Blitzen
Das ganze Ding war nur ein Krock von Schitzen
Thought up by some in-Doc-trinated numpty
To catch out the Dopey, but make the rest Grumpy!
Just boxes of cons were the toys on store shelves
While the queues for a tire change were tiring themselves
With temperatures minus fourteen, and the rest
You wouldn’t want to be out improperly dressed.
Fine folk of goodwill bearing Dortmund plates
Parked up for a while in the invalid space
No badge they did show, and the mother jumped out
Like a sprite, disability strongly in doubt
So they got named and shamed and blamed and inflamed
But let us just pray that they do not get lamed.
For the real needy not one ounce of consideration
But no balls to get out and make confrontation!
But I heard her exclaim as I strolled out of sight
“You can’t film me, man, for I know my rights.”
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Employees are given a lot of rights, so employers are scared to employ and try their best to stick to subbies.
Wives come out of divorces with all the assets and all the custody rights, and then the next generation can’t get hubbies.
The Government pushes diet advice like healthy whole grains then wonders why there are more and more tubbies.
We need less political correctness, rather to remember basic good manners, and what brotherly, and sisterly, and for that matter sexual love is.
First published as part of the Daily Telegraph‘s February 2008 Creative Writing Competition. It was one of the six shortlisted out of about 40 entries. As ever I did not get the first prize, but it attracted a lot of positive responses. The reason for the “lizard and gizzard” was down to the set words you had to include in the piece for the month, which was a continual feature of the contest. This time “lizard” was one of the words. Or possibly “blizzard”. I can’t even remember which ones the other set words were!
The picture which accompanied it is one of my stills from the visit with the image of Christina Rossetti, the authoress of the original Bleak Midwinter Poem, superimposed.
In this bleak midwinter,
Frosty winds beat time;
Mirth stands hard as irony,
Slaughter-like the rime.
Crow is eaten, crow on crow
Crow on corpse of crow,
In this bleak midwinter verse,
Made not long ago. Read the rest of this entry