Putting the “anal” back into “analysis”. A thought experiment on the lexical flexibility of conlangs.


They talk about Eskimos having two hundred words for snow, that’s nothing.

In my conlang I am working on, Windish, there are precisely 78,125 words for farts.

The words for farts are all seven letters long. The first letter refers to the duration in seconds. If it is less than half a second, it is B, up to one second is D, one to two seconds is F, two to four seconds is G and K is for anything over four seconds.

Noise level is the second letter. A is noiseless. E is if it would have been heard in a silent room by people listening for it. I is small noise. O is quite loud, and U is a cathedral organ.

Third letter refers to smell level. H is smell free, L, N, and R increase on that while S is a tram-clearer.

The fourth refers to moisture level, with J for a dry fart, M P and T with medium moisture. T already produces skidmarks while Z needs an immediate change of underwear and probably outer wear too.

The fifth is volume of gas overall, again on a sliding scale going through the vowels A E I O and U.

In sixth you have degree of control with X being performed on purpose, R is one that was held in for a while and then released at will, N is normal level P is lower than average preparation time and L is totally unexpected. Usually a corollary of standing up or changing one’s sitting position.

Which brings us nicely on to the seventh letter. Bodily position – we take as official the position at the start of the fart. T is a seated fart, standing still is F while K is while walking or running. Lying in a bath or while sleeping is M (although some ancient dialects of the conlang use N for the latter although this is frowned upon as it is considered vulgar) while farting during sex (in any position) is S.

So for example a Kuszuls is like everyone’s nightmare while a Bahjaxt is pretty harmless and happens to most of us several times a day.

Snow, huh!

About David J. James

53 year old accountant who loves languages, literature, history, religion, politics, internet, vlogging and blogging and lively written discussion. Conservative Christian, married to an angel, we have three kids, and live in Warsaw, Poland. I can help you with company set-up, bookkeeping, payroll, tax, audit and due diligence all over Poland and the region.

Posted on 23/01/2017, in Blog only, Languages and Linguistics, Satire and Comedy, Savoir vivre and Etiquette and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Alan Brenville

    Oh bruv…….with a slight modification to the anal passage you could even invent a new language complete with fricatives, plosives, labials and gutterals. The mind boggles whilst the anatomy shudders. How did you arrive at such a precise figure of 78,125 ? 🙂

    Like

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