The Book of Samson and Dallillah

Rembrandt's depiction of Samson's marriage feast

Rembrandt's depiction of Samson's marriage feast

Here is the The Book of Samson and Dallillah (the second book of the Usenet Apocrypha, the first being The Book of Aaron, also available on this site. The third book, The Wisdom of David  is lost and efforts are being made to uncover it for the readership of Huliganov TV.


The Book of Samson and Dallillah is believed to be, along with the other Books that make up the Apocrypha of Yuzneth, a lost portion of the Book of Mormon, having fallen out of Joseph Smith’s pocket as he was walking back from the hill to the village of Manchester, Ontario County, which, by a cosmic misunderstanding, fell through a kink in the space time continuum and ended up in Manchester England 159 years later and was offered for sale to me by a man in a white van as I was taking petrol at Knutsford Service Station. I didn’t get his number.

Those modern day mormons who became aware of the existence of this
book naturally wished to acquire it, but the angel Moroni came to me
in a vision during an advert break on telly as I was enjoying a nice
cup of coffee and gave me to understand that they had had their
chance and blew it when Joe Smith let it fall out of his pocket,
especially since they didn’t drink caffeine based hot drinks as God
had commanded to the remnant of the human race at the time of Noah,
and that now it was my turn, as a linguist and coffee addict, to have
a go with the Urim and Thummim, and translate the plates, and the
mormons were not to have them for any money, or all the tea in China.

And so, without further ado, here is The Book of Samson and

Chapter One

1.      As it is written in the Book of Psalms, ‘Blessed is the man
that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the
way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.

2.      But his delight is in the law of the Lord; and in His law doth
he meditate day and night’.

3.      There was indeed one who was such in the land of Yuzneth, and
verily he was like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that
bringeth forth his fruit in his season

4.      And his scroll of answers to oft asked questions came forth as
an offering to the people of the temple each time that the moon was

5.      And he was a leader, as a lodestone amongst men, and he did
establish the Assembly of the Righteous, and did give them laws in
the Scroll, which was called Nethi-Keth.

6.      But when that his mission was accomplished he was called away
from the Assembly to other works, and his disciples were dismayed,

7.      But he said unto them, ye are my flock, mine herd, and I shall
not leave you utterly without a shepherd, that the wind drive you not
away as it is with the ungodly

8.      But each thirty days shall my scroll fly unto you, and remind
you of the Law that is Nethi-Keth, and ye shall be reminded that I am
one with you and ye with me

9.      Other than the slight difference, that I am attaining unto the
Life, whilst that ye are still here.

10.     Then said Michael the son of Cran, when can we also attain unto
the Life, o Master?

11.     And the tree spake unto Michael the son of Cran, saying, Know
ye this; perilous times shall come upon Yuzneth. They will not obey
the Laws of their Fathers and shall not hearken unto Nethi-Keth.

12.     They shall cast of the rules and ordinances of this place, and
each one shall do that which seemeth right to them in their own eyes.
They shall communicate with other Temples and shall bring from the
South the Trollish tribes

13.     And they that would fain keep the Law shall be a mockery, and a
hooting, and they shall be in derision, until the time of this
tribulation be past.

14.     And they that endure to the end, and stay true to Nethi-Keth,
the same shall receive the power to attain unto the Life.

15.     But he that betrayeth me shall remain in Yuzneth forever, and
it shall be as an hell of mutual mockery, of hatred and provocation
from which there shall be no release.

16.     And he that is able to remove the leaders of the Trollish
tribes out of the land of Yuzneth utterly, the same shall have a
great recompense of reward.

17.     So the people of the Assembly dwelt in the land of Yuzneth and
awaited that which was to come.

Chapter Two

1.      And the people of the Temple did continue after that the tree
did make like unto himself and leave for many a year, partaking of
the monthly Nethi-Keth, and forsaking not the assembly of themselves
together at the Feast of Bo-Inkh.

2.      However there did come unto them one Stephen, that was called
Chanaiah, a Californite, of whom it is written in the Book of Aaron,
and he did behold the Nethi-Keth and did hold it in derision.

3.      Chanaiah spake unto the people, saying: ye do eat ever the same
foods, day in day out. Ye are as your ancestors that did eat the
manna in the wilderness. Will ye not have variance in that ye eat?

4.      This adherence unto the precepts of Nethi-Keth is tedious, and
my soul panteth after another meat as the hart panteth for cooling
streams. I have meat that ye know not of.

5.      And the people did answer him, saying, It ever concerneth food
with you people. And great was the outcry of their derision.

6.      But Chaniah did continue, and did make mockery and sport of
individuals in the assembly, and did write scrolls concerning matters
not in the precepts, and did cause a falling away of many.

7.      Then did they raise up a cry and the man that was called the
Tree did hear them from the Life, and did send unto them a plague of
nematodes, which is a worm that slowly devoureth the life of a man
from the inside out.

8.      Saying, they that have the worm in their flesh must be called
unto a place apart. Ye shall remove them from your dwelling, but they
may write their scrolls and send them unto you.

9.      None other assembly may send their scrolls unto these with the
worm in their flesh save you and themselves alone.

10.     And they shall be moderate in their thinking and in their
speech, what they shall eat and what they shall put on. They shall be
unto me a special people, these people of the worm, even as the
Nazarites of ancient time.

11.     They shall touch no unclean thing, neither shall they come nigh
unto a woman, nor unto anything that is dead, neither shall the razor
touch their head, so that the menfolk and the womenfolk of them shall
look the same.

12.     And they shall not use the words ‘he ‘ and ‘she’, but shall use
a special word for addressing third persons which I shall give unto
them, and this word is named ‘zie’.

13.     And they shall dwell without the camp, and if anyone would come
unto them, thay shall shout ‘nematode’ the first time, if so be they
are a stranger to the colony

14.      But once the newcomer is known of the colony, then need they
no longer shout ‘nematode’ when that they come, for that they shall
already have worms of their own, and it shall be apparent.

15.     And they shall be unto me as the holiest of the holy peoples.
No man shall provoke them or have them in derision. They are to be
guarded and they that shall keep the true religion must guard them
from harm.

16.     And anyone who cannot stand to be in the general assembly can
seek refuge with them, if that they are ready to keep all points that
are written in the Scroll of the Faqh to do them, and if they are
willing to take the worm into their flesh.

17.     Then shall the destroyer not come nigh unto them and they shall
have sanctuary there, and refuge shall they have from all the tribes
of Trolldom.

18.     So that the worm, though it consume you and bring death to you
at last, shall be also the bringer of life and refuge.

19.     Thus spake the tree, and Lo, many in the assembly did discover
the worm in their flesh and did call themselves apart outside the
city in a place of refuge for themselves alone.

20.     And Chanaiah stood without their gate and sought to hurl rocks
at them, but they were protected, and the rocks did fall at their

21.     Then did they send out a missive unto the captain of Chanaiah’s
labour, and did require him to desist from hiring the labour of
Chanaiah, so that he could not buy nor sell for that he had no
substance which cometh of labour.

22.     And they did all approve of the epistle to the captain of
Chanaiah, saying it was very right and proper in their eyes, for that
he had raised his pen in mockery of the holiest people.

23.     Then spake Chanaiah, Ye may have found refuge from me, but one
cometh after me the clasp of whose shoes I am not worthy to bind.
Against him have ye no refuge, ye just wait and see.

24.     Then said they unto Chanaiah, what is his name? And Chanaiah
said That is the whole matter thereof, ye shall not know his name,
neither shall ye be in conditions to send your epistles unto the
captain of his labour.

25.     Then cried the people, saying, How shall we know it is he of
whom thou speakest, if we know not his name?

26.     And Chaniah said, Ye will know, well enough. He shall give ye a
name by which to know him, but it is a name by which ye alone shall
know him.

27.     And none shall sleep on that day. Thou too, o Princess
Dallillah, in thy cold chamber in which thou regardest the stars of
heaven that do tremble with love and hope.

28.     But his mystery is locked with him, none shall know his name,
until he shall plant the name on thy lips as dawn breaketh, and this
kiss shall then, O Dallillah, break that silence that shall have made
thee his own.

29.     Then did Chanaiah shout with a valiant cry, And the night shall
then vanish, the stars shall fade, the dawn shall break, then I shall
win, I shall win, I shall win.

30.     In this manner did Chanaiah prophesy the coming and the demise
of the Tokemanite.

Chapter Three

1 When Chanaiah departed, Princess Dallillah, that was addressed of
him, said, Did ye not hear how he did stutter and stammer when he did
speak? I will not that people should address my person with
impediments in their speech.

2. They of her court said, We did not hear it, madam, but we would be
loath to contradict thee, so we shall say, he did stammer. This they
said for that they feared that she should fall unto a fit, for she
was taken oft of fits and seizures and no man could exorcise her.

3. And this did befall her whensoever any man did gainsay her or know
better than she in any matter.

4. And Chanaiah did return unto the wilderness, wherein he did gird
himself with a sackcloth and did eat locusts and wild honey, and did
build houses for the poor of that place that they might dwell
therein, and he was as a voice crying in the wilderness, crying
‘prepare ye the way of the Toke, make his paths straight.’

5. And then came Jackiah the Tokemanite unto Chanaiah to be baptised
of him in the River of Bablynon, and Chanaiah did say unto him,
‘Master, I have need to be baptised of thee in the ways of trolldom’
and Jackaiah saith unto Chanaiah, ‘Suffer it to be so now, for I have
not yet been in this water, but thou art a-soaking therein.’

6. So Jackaiah was baptised of Chanaiah, and immediately there flew
up a spirit in the form of a starling, saying ‘This is our beloved
leader, in whom we are well pleased, read him.’

7. Then Jackaiah came unto the Temple of the Trygvistines and did go
up onto a hillside for to read his scroll, saying:

8. Blessed are the slim, for they are not fat

9. Blessed are the rich, for they are not poor

10. Blessed are the young, for they are not old

11. Blessed are the beautiful, for they are not ugly

12. Blessed are the clever, for they are not stupid

13. Blessed are the winners, for they are not losers

14. Blessed are ye when men shall revile you and speak evil against
you for envy’s sake. It means ye are more fortunate than them.
Rejoice then, and be exceeding glad, and forget not to rub thier nose
in the matter of thier misery at every opportunity, telling them to
slice lengthwise and depthwise.

15. Trygve did give you the law and the Nethi-Keth, but I have come
to fulfil the law and the Nethi-Keth, and ye are no longer bound by

16. If any man will post a personal scroll in this place, let him
post twain.

17. If any man had eight lines in his signature, let him have eighty
times eight.

18.     I come to bring a sword and to set brother against brother, and
sister against sister and to preach the acceptable year of swearing
mine head off. And blessed is he, that shall not be offended in me.

19.     And they that heard these things were greatly offended and sore
afraid, for they did feel that this was at their address, for many of
them were fat, or losers on some other wise

20.     Therefore spake they one unto the other ‘This Jackaiah the
Tokemanite, who is he in verity? And how can we defeat him?’

21.     And they took up stones to cast at him, at the provider of his
scrane and at the master of his labour, but as they did not know his
name, as Chanaiah had prophesied, their labour was in vain.

22.     Then called Michael, the son of Cran, a meeting of the chief
priests of the Trygvistines together and said, “No weapon that is
formed against him can prosper, and yet it cannot be that he hath no
weaknesses. My years as an advocate have shewn me this, each man hath
his weakness.”

23.     “Find the weakness, and thou winnest the case. Even if it hath
but a single weakness”.

24.     Then spake Princess Dallillah and saith, I shall find out what
is the only weakness of Jackaiah the Tokemanite, and I shall know his
name and defeat him. For even Chanaiah did prophesy that it would be
I that should know his name.

25.     Then spake the son of Cran “Who but thou, O Dallillah, could
find out the only weakness of a man. After all, thou knowest mine.
Dance for me again the dance of the seven veils”.

26.      And Dallillah saith, I shall dance for thee again, O Michael,
thou son of Cran, when thou shalt bring unto me the head of Chanaiah
the Californite on a platter.

27.     And the son of Cran answered Dallillah, saying “that day shall
come soon enough.”

28.     But Jackaiah was still out on the hill, and was shewing unto
the fat people a diet of two loaves and five fishes per week, and
calling upon them to repent of their obesity.

29.     When that his disciples came privily unto him and said ‘Master,
we hear that the Trygvistines are seeking to know thine only

30.     Then spake Jackaiah saying “I have here the new scroll of Faqh
for this temple. It replaces the scroll that the Lodestone doth send
each new moon. Let this be your guiding light. In it are all things
ye need to know. Even mine only weakness.”

31.     Then did the scroll come into the Palace and Dallillah and
Michael did behold it and did rend their garments for anguish, for
that the Tokemanite had set out his own scriptures, and overturned
the laws of the ancients in a brazen manner.

32.     “But behold, it saith herein, by the end, ‘Keeping it real. Tis
mine only weakness’ but what meaneth this strange device? Although it
seemeth to be in our language, yet understand we it not.”

Chapter Four

1.      When that Chanaiah heard of the teachings of Jackaiah, then he
was wroth with him, for that it was not pleasing to Chanaiah to hear
the fat and the poor maligned.

2.      So Chanaiah privily came unto Jackaiah and saith, wilt thou not
tone it down a tittle or a jot? Thou has also offended my followers.
Not this had I in mind, exactly, when I baptised thee in the River

3.      And Jackaiah rebuked Chanaiah, saying, knowest thou not,
Chanaiah, that not one jot nor tittle of my message shall fade away
until all is revealed?

4.      (All is held forever in the Place of the Skull, that is Gugel-
thah, which is as a giant Skull containing all the words that the
righteous of Yuzneth have spoken.

5.      But the words of the Son of Cran are not to be found therein,
save when a righteous man repeateth them.)

6.      But I digress. Thou Chanaiah must this day choose whom thou
wilt serve, for no man can have two masters, for he shall love one
and despise the other. No man can serve the Tokemanite and the Son of

7.      And Chanaiah said, I shall not be beholden to any man, but
shall be mine own Master. Henceforth, I am the master of myself.

8.      And Jackaiah said “now art thou ready for thine own baptism,
come hither.

9.      And Jackaiah did baptise Chanaiah in a yellow river that flowed
from his own person, and said “I name thee Tunah-Stankh, and let this
name accompany thee throughout thy ministry.

10.     Now go thou forth and on this tunah fish stablish fast thine
own church, and the gates of hell shall probably not even want to
prevail upon it.

11.     Aught that seweth discord and confusion is as grist unto my
mill. Tis mine only weakness.”

12.     Thus did Chanaiah become the first Pope of Yuzneth, and the
sign of the tunah fish became the symbol of his Church.

13.     Then went forth Chanaiah, that is Tunah-Stankh, unto the same
hillside where Jackaiah had earlier preached unto the people, and
spake thus:

14.     Men and brethren, ye should know that I hate plagiarism, and
that, unlike the Tokemanite, I come unto ye with original material
the like ye have not heard heretofore.

15.     Here goeth:  Blessed are the fat, for they are not slim

16.     Blessed are the poor, for they are not rich.

17.     Blessed are the old, for they are not young.

18.     Blessed are the ugly, for they are not beautiful.

19.     Blessed are the stupid, for they are not clever

20.     Blessed are the losers, for they are not winners

21.     Blessed are ye when men shall revile you and speak evil against
you for the sake of their pride and arrogance. Great is your reward
in heaven, for the first shall be last, and the last first.

22.     Notwithstanding thank I God that I am none such, but am in
verity an handsome, slim young man, who maketh great money from his
cleverness, and the delivery of many pizzahs.

23.     If any man will post a personal scroll in this place, let him
consider why he needeth to do it. It meaneth that he hath not the
confidence to approach women in the world around him. This meaneth,
he accepteth himself not.

24.     First he needeth to take the mote of non-self-acceptance from
his own eye, and then may he post personal scrolls for other people’s

25.     If any man hath eight lines in his signature, let him have his
head examined.

26.     If any man will post his scrolls at once to many temples, let
him decide on one temple, wherein he should abide, and not peddle his
scrolls abroad as a peddler his wares.

27.     Come unto me all ye who labour and are heavy laden and I will
give you self-acceptance. Take my ideas upon you, for my jokes are
original and my burden is without plagiarism.

28.     And then did Jeemiah the Duttonite arrange to wrestle with
Chanaiah at the Place that is called ‘Lacks’, named not for
Henriettah Lacks that was turned unto another Kind, but for that
every man who arrangeth to meet another there to fight him, lacks the
courage to come forth.

29.     Chanaiah did then draw mead from the barrel and did offer mead
unto his disciples without money and without price.

30.     He spake unto Jeemiah on this wise, “O come, o come thou
Duttonite, and be not wroth with me. Come and drink of the fruit of
the hop vine, come and let thy soul exalt itself in the juice of the
barley, yea, in the cooling froth of the granulate dip thou thy

31.     Come without money, and drink freely of my beer of life, and
let peace reign between us.”

32.     But Jeemiah came not, for he remembered words of anger that
Chanaiah had said heretofore that did besmirch his kindred, and that
did offend against the fruit of his loins, therefore would he not
attend unto the voice of Tunah-Stankh.

33.     But Vlad the Impaler, that had been ill used by Jeemiah at his
house, in that certain confidences that had passed in that abode had
not been respected, went over to Chanaiah, although he had chastened
him betimes.

34.     Chanaiah said “Him that cometh to me, will I in no wise cast
out”, and did give unto Vlad the Impaler a bottle of corona beer with
a wedge of lemon in the top, saying “on this wise drink they among
the Mekh-Sikhites, where I did oft sojourn building homes for the

35.     “With this Mekh-Sikhite beer I bring also chalupas and tacos
and enchiladas and nachos,” and other words depicting the meats and
dainties of Mekh-Sikh did Chanaiah publish abroad, so that Bobbiah
the Veterite, Eni-El and Scrauni, Kimiah the Vawrykite and the king
of the Robinites, also Deborah of Dow-Dell and Kthulath of the
Israelites together with their people, were lured aside from the
flock of Trygve to dwell henceforth in the tabernacle of Tunah-

36.     And Chanaiah prophesied saying “I am as the good shepherd that
careth for his flock, and departeth not, but defendeth them against
the bear and the lion. Jackaiah is as the bad shepherd that fleeth
before the lioness and the jackal, and his sheep shall be scattered.”

37.    And thus did Chaniah lead an host unto the land of
the Acceptors of Fath, for to wage war upon the followers of
Jackiah who dwelt therein. This was done for to support the
Acceptors of Fath.

38.    Now this war did lay waste to the land, so that none
which did accept Fath desired to sojourn there. And thus it was that
both sides did declare unto themselves the victory of this war.

39.    And lo, the Acceptors of Fath were led of their mighty queens
unto a new land and they did settle therein. And the new land was
stablished with a Gatekeeper, that all who wished to send scrolls
thither should must needs require the approval of the Gatekeeper.

40.    Then took up Bobbiah the Veterite residence in this new
land. But the other sojourners in the land did wage war
against Bobbiah, and did cast her from their midst, into outer
darkness, and there was much wailing and chomping of teeth, although
the teeth did ever chomp in the dwellings of the Acceptors of Fath.

41.     And it so happened that a follower of Jackiah the
Tokemanite did discovered a ruse for to mask himself with the
countenance as it were the Gatekeeper.

42.     With this knowledge, the followers of Jackiah did
wage war once more upon the Acceptors of Fath, until the ruse
was discovered, and the Acceptors of Fath cast the
followers of Jackiah from their midst, and did say “Get thee behind
us Jackaiah, For thou savourest not the things that are of Kalo-Rieh,
but the things that are of Di-Yeth.

Chapter Five

1.      Then did Jackiah gather together his people and they did send
scrolls unto the multitude that did purport to be scrolls of
Chanaiah, and Chanaiah and his people did send scrolls that did
purport to be published of the Tokemanites,

2.      Of Jackaiah himself and of the starling, of Eneriah the
Pidgipite, of Martiah, him that was a taylor, and of Brendaleah, she
that was the favoured disciple of Jackiah.

3.      And thus there was a plague of frogs in the Land of Yuzneth,
which did continue for forty moons.

4.      And Bobbiah the Veterite did wage war against Brendaleah, and
did call her Dudleah, and they of the Tokemanites did call the
Veterite Blobbiah, and did write in many scrolls that she was wont to
become one flesh with swine.

5.      And Michael, the Son of Cran did make a graven image of
Brendaleah, in the form of an horse, and all the people did make
mockery of her

6.      This despite the truth, that she herself had not written
scrolls of provocation, and had merely been an help-meet for

7.      They did this, for that they were unable to hurt Jackaiah
himself, for they had not yet found out his secret, to whit, his

8.      And Chanaiah did also mock Brendaleah, and also made
distortions of her image publickly, albeit she had not found favour
with the Trygvistines.

9.      Then said Jackaiah unto Chanaiah, if thou wilt go unto the
festival of Bo-Inkh at Illinoiah, yeah at the town of Naper, then
will I meet with thee in a mask, and thou shalt have thy chance to
tear this mask from off thy face

10.     So, then go to, and come on to Naper, if thou think thou art
hard enough.

11.     This Naper was the abode of the Duttonite, who was skilled in
sword and spear, and he was to be on hand to take Chanaiah, but also
Michael the Son of Cran was to be there, and did offer a chariot unto
Jackaiah, but Jackaiah trusted him not.

12.     And believing that Chanaiah would in any wise not come unto
Naper, he himself stayed away.

13.     Chanaiah then did challenge Turtonaiah and his woman, saying
‘The woman that is with thee is advanced in years, and thou art with
her only because thou art not a Murkan, such as I, which God
blesseth, but art of the tribe of Brith.

14.     ‘A god forsaken Limaiah with their crooked teeth that are not
white and their penchant for lying with other men.’

15.     ‘As concerning thy woman; I have driven my chariot past that
can of ordure the which her abode doth constitute, and it impresseth
me not greatly, in the words of the prophetess Shaniah.’

16.     Then saith Turtonaiah unto Chanaiah, ‘If thou wilt say these
things unto my face, then I shall meet with thee and I shall overcome
thee and wrought upon thy countenance with my fist. Thy perfect teeth
shalt thou thereafter seek among thine own ordures’.

17.     Now when Blackmeriah the Charlottite did hear these things,
then did she reach for a purse of money, and did offer to pay for
Chanaiah to traverse unto the land of the Brith, that is to say, New-

18.     Chanaiah saith unto Turtoniah’I shall agree to meet thee, and I
shall pack of the heat withal.’

19.     And Turtoniah saith ‘If thou shalt pack the heat, then shall I
meet thee not. This is Yuzneth and not Thermodynamics and therefore
entereth the heat not unto the equation.’

20.     And Chanaiah saith unto Turtonaiah “See how thou welchest?

21.     And so it is with everyone, which challengeth me.

22.     I should in verity have gone unto Naper, hadst thou not wasted
my time in this way, and thus prevented mine egress thither.”

23.     And Jackaiah and the Son of Cran did do battle, for that
Jackaiah did send his scrolls unto the leper colony, which was
sacrosanct, and Cran’s son did mock Brendaleah the more, for to hurt

24.     And then did Jackaiah mock the estranged kindred of the Son of
Cran, and the fruit of his loins by the wife that he had put off.

25.     Saying, that the daughter of Michael shall be a wanton, and
many shall lie with her as soon as she shall have achieved her
maturity. The seed of much men shall befall her fresh countenance.

26.     And that this should be the fault of Michael, seeing that the
girl had no father through his abandonment.

27.     Then was the son of Cran deeply wounded and rent his garment
privily, although outwardly showed he no distress, save unto Princess
Dallillah that was his confidante.

28.     Then was Dallillah newly resolved to use her wiles to discover
the secret of Jackaiah, and made haste to exchange scrolls with him,
offering an encounter face to face.

29.     And Jackaiah asked of Dallillah those questions which he gave
to all the womenfolk, to wit “How old art thou? How tall art thou?
How much weighest thou? And, Dost thou edify with thy fundament?”

30.     And Dallillah did answer “All these and more shalt thou know
when thou shalt look upon me in person.”

31.     And Jackaiah said “What of the fundamental question?” And
Dallillah said “Even in this regard shalt thou not be disappointed.”

32.     Then was Jackaiah sore intrigued, and wished greatly for the
chance to be of one flesh with her that was even the Princess of the

33.     And so a time and place was assigned for a meeting between them
both, this being remote from habitation, so that Jackaiah could keep
safe from the approach of his enemies.

34.     Now Martiah the friend of Jackaiah was a taylor, and a taylor’s
shop had he in the main street of Yuzneth.

35.     And Bobbiah the Veterite did come into the taylor’s shop of
Martiah and did look at the vestments and apparel that were set out

36.     And she did enquire of Martiah saying ‘How much for this

37.     And Martiah answering did say, “In thy size, two hundred

38.     And Bobbiah did ask “And these trousers, how much are they?”

39.     And Martiah did say, “They are also two hundred shekels, in thy

40.     And Bobbiah said, thou askest too much for they wares. They
warrant not such high prices, and she departed, with much shaking of
the head.

Chapter Six

1.      And Princess Dallillah said unto her maidens, “Get me a garment
that is green as the grass, for all flesh is as grass and the flower
thereof. We spend our lives as a tale that is told”.

2.      And the maidens did bring unto Dallillah a garment that was as
green as the grass when it is sprung.

3.      And they did bathe her and perfume her hair with the scent of
many flowers and did place about her neck jewels of great lustre, so
that even the Queen of Sheba looked not as glorious as she, in her
attire of green and gold.

4.      And she was taken without the city, to the place of trysting
that they had heretofore appointed.

5.      And she did travel out with three of the elders of the city, so
as to protect her and keep watch from afar off,

6.      One John that is called Pharaoh-rah, for that he was of Yuzneth
since the time of the pharaohs, so old was he, and one George of the
Port of Daven, that was no relation of the Divah of the Port of
Daven, whose tie did curl up at the end thereof

7.      And who did inspire Scott the descendent of Adam to create the
character of Dil-Berith, for that he was an engineer of the Nerdi,

8.      And one Frans of the Holyland, that was known as the boy’s son,
for that his father was younger than he, so ancient was he as a
master of Yuzneth traditions.

9.      They should watch the proceedings from afar, ready to run to
attend if there be need thereof, so that they came to the place in
the wilderness betimes, so that they could secure their hiding place.

10.     And all were dressed as green as grass, and the juice of cut
grass was died in their faces.

11.     And before they left Dallillah in the wilderness, they did
bless her, for that she had sneezed.

12.     But it mattered not, for the green of their garments did cover
the issue thereof. And they did withdraw the space of some furlongs,
for that the time of trysting was at hand.

13.     Then came forth Jackaiah the Tokemanite, dressed in the heighth
of Murkan fashion, with his helmet of the ball of baseness pointing
backwards on his head.

14.     He did greet the Princess of the Trygvistines in the parlance
of Yuzneth, saying, “yo, babe, thou lookest as it were one hundred
million shekels.” And he did put his littlest finger unto his lips in
appreciation thereof, yea even unto the corner of his mouth.

15.     And he did lead her from that place speaking privily unto her
all the while, until they came unto the settlement of Tshipmo-Telh,
wherein he had found room at the inn.

16.     And therein did he lie with her, and did have all manner of
carnal knowledge of her, so that not one tit or jottle of her person
was a stranger unto him.

17.     And he also did defile her fundamentally, thus attaining the
answer unto his fourth and final question.

18.     And after that he had sent her to sleep with exhaustion from
this strong work, he did depart.

19.     And Pharaoh-rah and his company did awaken her and said, ‘Didst
thou know his name?’ And Dallillah said, I did not ask his name but
it is no matter, for the innkeeper shall have his name recorded in
his book.

20.     And they did look in the registry of the inn, Dallillah
distracting the innkeeper the while with the powers of her seduction
(this innkeeper was also a physician, called Min-eth, and had a great
interest in gynaecology),

21.     And they did discover the true name of Jackaiah the Tokemanite
written therein as Micah the Mousite.

22.     And they hurried back unto Michael the Son of Cran with this
news, but he did greet it with a gesture of sarcasm, saying grimly
‘Tis but a small world, after all’.

23.     And then they knew that Jackaiah had left a false name at the
registry of the inn.

24.     And Dallillah said ‘oh well, I’ll just have to try better next
time’ and distressed at this need to meet with the Tokemanite on a
second occasion seemed she not to be.

25.     But she was wroth with the foolishness of the innkeeper, in
that he had not corroborated the identity of his guest, and therefore
did make known unto the woman of this Min-eth the nature of their
flirtation with him, saying, that he had arranged an assignation with
her and one also with the starling of the Tokemanites.

26.     And Jackaiah was also well pleased with Dallillah, and sent
forth a riddle unto the Trygvistines, saying, ‘if any man among you
can solve my riddle I shall give him thirty covers of Du-Veh.

27.     Here is my riddle, which is mine and of none else: Into the
sweet, went my meat, where meat should come but forth’.

28.     And the Trygvistines did say unto Dallillah, ‘Entice Jackaiah,
that he should tell thee the riddle, for well have we need of new
covers of Du-Veh’

29.     But Dallillah already knew only too well that her proper
fundament was the honey in that lion, and would not that the
Trygvistines should revile her for her sodomy, and so she said that
she could not know the riddle of Jackaiah.

30.     And at the end of seven days the Trygvistines said unto
Jackaiah, ‘We know not thy riddle. Keep thy covers. They were
doubtless purchased of Ikeah anyway. We would naught of the trash of
the Scandites.’

31.     And Jackaiah said unto himself in his heart ‘This is good. They
knew not my riddle so they did not plow with mine heifer. It
appeareth that this woman can keep confidences.’ And thus he resolved
to trust Dallillah the more.

32.     Meanwhile, some days after her earlier visit, Bobbiah the
Veterite went back unto the shop of Martiah the Taylor, and did
enquire of the same garments as before:

33.     Saying, “How much is this shirt?” And Martiah said “two hundred
and fifty shekels in thy size.”

34.     And Bobbiah asked concerning the trousers, “and how much now
are the breeches?”

35.     Martiah did answer “In thy size, one hundred and fifty shekels”

36.     And Bobbiah was amazed, and said, “How cometh it, that the
shirt hath gone up and the trousers have come down?”

37.     And Martiah did answer, “That thou mightest the easier kiss
mine ass.”

Chapter Seven

1.      From now on Jackaiah did meet with the Princess of the
Trygvistines each week and they pleased each other well, but
Dallillah was ever taking thought that naught had progressed in her
cause of knowing the name of Jackaiah, for at all times he had left
other names at the inn,

2.      At one time Kathaiah the Huntleyite, at another time did he
pose as Chanaiah, and on one other occasion one of the Lurkahs of
Murkah, Posaiah, did claim that she recognised him, but it was all to
no avail.

3.      And the acceptor of Fath were also hunting for Jackaiah, for
that he had destroyed their temple, and they had wizards, pagans and
necromancers that did use their black arts against him,

4.      But he said ‘As it is written in the second book of Moses, Thou
shalt not suffer a witch to live’ and they were confounded.

5.      Then said Dallillah unto Jackaiah, when that she was already
sure that she had won his trust, what meaneth thy saying “Keeping it
real, tis mine only weakness”? Tell me, I pray thee, wherein thy
great strength lieth, and wherewith thou mightest be bound to afflict
thee ‘

6.      And Jackaiah saith, it meaneth thus, if I am bound with cords
that never were used, then shall I be as weak as a Betaboyan that
pewleth or a Pheeb that eepeth betimes. Tis mine only weakness.

7.      And on the morrow brought Dallillah cords that were never used
on man nor beast, and did secret them in her vestments. After that
Jackaiah had slaked the thirst of man upon her, and was a sleeping,
then did she bind him with the cords

8.      And did give the signal to the Trygvistines that were lying in
wait, and then said ‘The philistines be upon thee, Jackaiah’, whereat
he did rise and did brake the cords asunder as they had been of the
silk of the spider,

9.      And did take the jawbone of an ass and did strike them
therewith upside the head.

10.     Thereafter said Dallillah unto Jackaiah, thou didst lie unto
me, saying that thou mightest be bound with cords that never were

11.     And Jackaiah said, Not this kind of “cords” had I in mind, but
chords that are played on the lute and the chitarro. If any man can
play me seven chords that no man hath ever heard before, then will I
be bound and as unable to move,

12.     As an Acceptor of Fath after an heavy meal. Hadst thou asked me
to write it down for thee, there had not been this ambiguity.

13.     Even musick which no man hath heard before me, even that is
mine only weakness.

14.     And Dallillah went and told this unto Michael the Son of Cran,
who said, “This is a great mission, and one hard to undertake, but I
have in my scrane the way to make musick without the speakers being
turned on.

15.     My scrane shall analyse every chord that is feasible to be made
within the science of musick and shall compare it with every chord
ever included in any musick that was heretofore composed, by logging
unto the greatest base of Datah that existeth,

16.     And it shall prepare a song which shall be recorded on this
Player of Empithri, even from the chords that were never played till
now, if such there be, although it is written, that there is nothing
new under the sun.

17.     Thou shalt place these headphones on his head when he sleepeth
and shall play him the song my scrane shall make, and this shall bind
him and we shall take him thence.

18.     And the song of the Son of Cran was seven weeks in the making,
and that within the mind of his scrane, and he heard it not himself,
neither did allow that any living soul should hear it, that it might
not lose its power to bind the Tokemanite.

19.     Then did Dallillah go unto Jackaiah and did have knowledge of
him until he could not keep open his eyes from exhaustion, and while
he was sleeping so did Dallillah place on his ears the Phones from
the Player of Empithri, even as Michael had commanded her.

20.     And she did play the Song That Never Was Heard unto him, and
did signal the while to the Trygvistines that were lying in wait.

21.     And Jackaiah, waking, saith, ‘Dallillah, why playest thou me
‘Happy Birthday to Thee’ unto me? It is not the day of my birth. It
is not the anniversary of the blessed day when they said unto my
Father, it is a man child that is borne unto thee. What giveth?”

22.     And when the Trygvistines burst in he did understand well what
had come to pass, and did take up a cudgel and smote them hip and

23.     Then drove he them back unto their citadel and forthwith did
catch three hundred foxes and one griffin from the Temple grounds of  
Ojaiah the Samsonite, did fix firebrands to their tails and set them
among the standing corn of the Trygvistines.

24.     The next day saith Dallillah unto Jackaiah, Hitherto thou hast
mocked me and told me lies. How canst thou tell me that thou lovest
me, and yet not shew me the secret of thine only weakness?

25.     And Jackaiah did laugh and say, I cannot tell thee the secret
of mine only weakness, and that, in and of itself, is mine only
weakness, if thou seest that which I mean. Hope this helpeth.’ And he
did have her in derision.

26.     And she did say unto him ‘what is thy name? And he said ‘Maybe
Rumple of the Stiltskinites?’ and did roll himself on the floor of
the chamber, a-laughing off his fundament.

27.     And from that time was Dallillah wroth with Jackaiah, but did
not give up hope to find out his weakness yet, once that she had had
time to cool her temper. And so for many moons she saw him not.

28.     But he was busy insulting both the Trygvistines and the
Chaneyites and the pagan warlocks and the acceptors of Fath, causing
great war in Yuzneth, even to the outer reaches.

29.     Calling to his aid the tribes of trolldom from the Temples of
Flames and from the guardians of the Meiaouh.

30.     For that the Son of Cran did continually abuse Brendaleah, so
did the Tokemanite abuse the daughter of Michael, and did say that he
would continue thus until he should have removed himself from the
bounds of Yuzneth utterly.

31.     And the plague of frogs did come again unto the land, so that
it seemed as though it had never gone away.

32.     And Michael did seek counsel in the Temple of Trygve privily,
and did say, am I ready, oh Trygve, to acceed unto the Life which
thou didst promise me back in Chapter One? For I am tired now, and am
being driven forth from Yuzneth utterly.

33.     And Trygve said unto the Son of Cran, thou art not ready for
the Life yet, Oh Son of Cran. To be in the Life thou must needs shew
thyself to be a real hero. If thou shalt allow the Tokemanite to
drive thee forth thou shalt become as a wandering spirit, without an
home, and devoid of where to rest thine head, and thou shalt eep and
pewl for one thousand years in the wilderness.

34.     Go to now, and win this fight with Jackaiah. Chanaiah did
prophesy how thou couldest win, and all is in the hands of Dallillah.

35.    Now one day there came James the Ledfordite unto the taylor’s
shop of Martiah, and made enquiry to purchase some cubits of fine
cloth, the which would serve as a finery to bedeck his

42.     He enquired of Martiah, If four score and sixteen
cubits of fine cloth are worth three hundred shekels, what
quantity of fine cloth shall be the purchase of two score and
ten shekels?

43.     To which Martiah replied, thou mayest purchase for one
shekel three and one part of a part of a part cubits of
fine cloth.

44.     Thus James, after that he had boughten of Martiah many yards
of fine cloth, rebuked him, saying, Verily thine ability to tell the
count of thy wares lacketh sore. Neverthless, complain I not, for
that I have much profit from thine error.

45.     Then Jeemiah the Duttonite bought shirts after the manner of
Teeh of Martiah, and did make graven images of Chanaiah upon them,
and did offer them thus for sale unto the denizens of Yuzneth.

Chapter Eight

1.      When that Dallillah did hear from the lips of Michael that she
must needs sleep again with the Tokemanite, she did hear the news in
two minds,

2.      For on the one part she had again become prone to fits and
seizures, which were in abeyance whenever she did make love
fundamentally to the Tokemanite, and moreover she did take great
pleasure in the way of a man with a maid,

3.      But on the other she had begun a courtship with John, a
Phoenician sailor, that was come unto the shores of Yuzneth, and who
did please her well, for he spake the tongue of the Enelpites, which
did hypnotise women and did make them forget what their mothers had
taughten unto them.

4.      For Dallillah had not managed to incline unto marriage another
lover of whom she had had hopes, namely Daniel the Mighty, the Father
of the Son of Aaron that is the son of Kulkis, being, as she was, too
living for his tastes.

5.      But the Son of Cran said ‘Thy courtship with John stoppeth us
not, so why must it needs stop thy play with Jackaiah?’

6.      ‘Go to, Dallillah, thou Princess of Sweet Nobility. If thou
shalt do this for me thou shalt be an everlasting friend and a
rescuer to me’.

7.      And thus Dallillah did undertake to attempt one last time to
discover the true name of Jackaiah and his only weakness, but did
wait withal and seek an auspicious season.

8.      And it came to pass on one day, that a childhood friend of
Dallillah did die and she had not a chariot to go unto the wake.

9.      And she did call unto Jackaiah with tears in her eyes, saying,
for the sake of olden times, take thou me in thy chariot unto the
funeral of my childhood friend. For I am beside myself, that I cannot

10.     And Jackaiah was pleased to have this opportunity again to
enjoy the fleshly pleasures that the company of Dallillah did
inevitably comprehend, and did make haste to hire a chariot from the
hirer of chariots,

11.     For that his own chariot was numbered in the registry of the
Chariots of Murkah, linken with his proper name, and thus unsafe for
this usage.

12.     And he did meet Dallillah betimes before it was first light
that day, for that the journey ahead was long, and he did have a
quickening with her prior to departure, and then did drive with her
across the country in his chariot.

13.     And she did bid him make haste, saying ‘thou didst insist upon
a quickening afore we should set out, and now we are tardy in our
coming, although it was still not first light.

14.     Speaking of which, I had not time to wash the seed of thy
coming out of mine inner beauty afore we departed, and now I sit
therein. And from what I can feel, thou hadst not been relieved of
thy duties for many a day.”

15.     And Jackaiah did reply “Thou art soaking in it” and did amuse
himself heartily thereover.

16.     And Dallillah did chide him “Mock me not, but drive thy chariot
the faster, for that we are late; as thou seest, the dawn breaketh”

17.     And Jackaiah did kiss her, and did whip the horses into a
lather, and did brake the limitation of swiftness upon the highway.

18.     And behold, a centurion, an officer of the law did hail his
chariot to stop, and came unto him, saying “Hullo, hullo, hullo,

19.     In a hurry, are we? Give unto me thy card of identity and the
licence of thy driving.”

20.     And Jackaiah did get out his case wherein his papyruses were
held, and behold, his briefcase was a briefcase of the Samsonites,
that only a true Samsonite can carry.

21.     This Dallillah knew for it had taken Jackaiah some time to get
the lock open.

22.     And the centurion, seeing the name on the papyruses of
Jackaiah, said, “On ye go, seeing that thou art the head of a tribe,
but I expect more of a tribal head, so hearken thou henceforth unto
the laws of the road, for to observe them  

23.     Lest on the next time I call thee up before the magistrate.
Tribal head or not.”

24.     And Jackaiah drove off and turned to speak unto Dallillah, but
she was already without the chariot, and Jackaiah saw her running
across the fields back to Yuzneth as fast as her feet could carry

25.     And Jackaiah thought ‘Strange woman. It is good that I had that
quickening afore we left, else I should have had the outlay against
an hired chariot in vain.’

26.     And he did shout after her, “Do I vex thee? Art thou terribly

27.     Then came Dallillah running into the Citadel, and sought
Michael, for to relate unto him the true Name of Jackaiah the

28.     And the elders where with him in the throne room, and they were
sore amazed, and they said, what hast thou discovered, oh Princess?

29.     And Dallillah said, Jackaiah is none other than Samson the

30.     For I recognised his briefcase in the chariot when he was asked
to show his papyruses by an officer of the law, as being a briefcase
of the Samsonites, and then the officer of the law made mention that
he was a tribal chief.

31.     Now we know that only Samsonites can carry their own cases, and
so if he is the chief of his tribe, then he is none other than Samson
himself. Little wonder, then, that he wished to keep hidden his true

32.     Now that I think thereon, I understand what he meant when that
he said some times that he was of Belgites. I took this to be but an
obscure reference of pop unto the films of Austin the Powerite, but
now that I know he is a Samsonite, it falleth all unto place.

33.     Then spake Frans, saying: in verity Jackaiah gave us many clues
about his identity during his time with us, which sheweth of  a
surety that he himself hath desired that which we are about to do
unto him,

34.     For even the manner in which he did baptise Chanaiah, I have
seen the same at a statue in the chief city of the Belgians, and I
was much impressed thereby and did turn the tap thereof into gold.  

35.     Then Michael said, “In any event it is a piece of piss to find
out his only weakness now, for every schoolchild knoweth the weakness
of Samson.”

Chapter Nine

1.      And thus did Dallillah send a scroll privily unto Jackaiah
again, asking to be forgiven for running off in haste when the
centurion did stop his chariot.

2.      She did make out that she had been in panicks of the centurion
for that she had copied out some recipes from the recipe book of
Blackmariah the Charlottite, the which she had borrowed of her,

3.      And was afeared that her guilt in the sin of breach of
copyright should shew upon her face, and that she should be forced to
wear a scarlet letter ‘C’ on her garment in this cause.

4.      She did apologise for leaving Jackaiah so rudely and asked if
she could not be brutally shafted by him one more time for an act of

5.      And of course Jackaiah was unable to resist, this being, in
actual truth, his only weakness.

6.      Especially as the letter made him believe that Dallillah had
left the chariot before the centurion had made his revelations about
Jackaiah being a tribal head, which fact had given Jackaiah nagging

7.      And when that Jackaiah had checked them into Tshipmo-Telh,
giving out unto Thomas the new innkeeper (he was also the corngrinder
of that place) that his name was Dar-eth the Sideousite,

8.      Then dealt out Dallillah the rations of some or other passions
as never before. Jackaiah said “Thou art verily a lady”, to which
Dallillah responded in a manner mysterious “I may be”.

9.      Meanwhile, out on the windy common, John that is Pharaoh-rah,
George of the Port of Daven and Frans the Boy’s son had not forgotten
to await the signal from Dallillah that Samson of the Samsonites was
asleep. Then crept they in and shore the locks from the head of

10.     Then cried Dallillah, the Trygvistines be upon thee, Samson,
and hearing himself called by his true name, Jackiah the Tokemanite
awoke with a start.

11.     And forthwith he did clutch the top of his head and said “Oh
no, ye have made me as bald as Vlad the Impaler, and now is the
strength gone out from me, and I am as any other man.”

12.     Then said George “Thou art the only weaknessed link, goodbye”
and did knock him on the head with a oar of a kay-akh, the which he
had broughten with him for the same purpose.

13.     And Pharaoh-rah did sing ‘Tis an hard-knock life’, whereupon
Frans did say to him, that he was tight, even like unto a tiger.

14.     Then the Trygvistines took him, and put out his eyes, and
brought him down to their Citadel, and bound him with fetters of
brass; and he did grind in the prison house.

15.     Howbeit the hair of his head began to grow again after it was

16.     But Brendaleah and the starling of the Tokemanites did depart
into the wilderness, and from that day on where never seen more in
the coasts of Yuzneth.

17.     Then did Chanaiah begin to crow as a cockerel and say that
Samson was overpowered because of his, Chanaiah’s, prophesy and that
verily all the credit in the undoing of the Samsonite was unto his
own credit.

18.     Then went Michael the Son of Cran again into the Temple of
Trygve, and did commune with the spirit of the lodestone of men.

19.     And this time Trygve said “now art thou, oh Son of Cran, ready
to enter the Life. Thou canst come unto mine house anytime thou
likest. And I will write thee a part in my next moving picture.”

20.     Then did Michael exceedingly rejoice, and made ready to depart
Yuzneth for the Life once the wedding of Dallillah should be

21.     For Dallillah had said unto Michael, “thou needest not think,
that I am carrying on like this with thee once I am married.” So that
the moment of her wedding seemed as the most auspicious moment to be

22.     And in the end the courtship of Dallillah with John the
Phoenician  that was the son of Selah, that did speak the tongue of
the Enelpi, did end in a proposal of marriage.

23.     For whilst preparing to give herself to him, she had said “Wilt
thou love me for ever?”

24.     And John said “Permit, that I sleep thereon”, but Dallillah was
the more urgent, “Oh John, son of Selah, wilt thou love me for ever?”

25.     And he said again “Baby, baby, let me sleep thereon. I shall
give thee mine answer on the morrow, on the morrow, I shall answer on
the morrow.”

26.     And Dallillah saith unto John the third time, “I wannah know
right now, oh John, son of Selah, lovest thou me? For on the morrow,
mind, thou canst call me Outerheah.”

27.     And John was wroth that she did ask him the third time, and did
say, “O Dallillah, thou knowest that I love thee, and verily I shall
love thee unto the End of Time.”

28.     And she, being happy with his answer, that she finally heard
these words from the mouth of a man, did say unto him “Feed my face”,
and did take therewith into her mouth his fifteen Kalo-riehs.

29.     And so it was that the wedding of John the son of Selah was
announced at the next Festival of Bo-Inkh which was to be this time
in Nevadah, not as usual in Illinoiah, and all were invited, even
Chanaiah and his people,

30.     Some of whom, such as Eni-El, did say that they would send
gifts, but said if these gifts never did appear, it would mean that
the dainties would have been consumed by Acceptors of Fath working
for the service of the mails.

31.     But from that time John the son of Selah was known as a Man of
Prayer, for he was always to be found bent in supplication to the
Most High, though no man knew what he was praying for.

Chapter Ten

1.      And it came to pass that there was peace among the tribes, and
the Trygvistines, the Chanaiahites and those of the leper colony and
also the Tribes of Kulkis and of Ojaiah, led by their griffin, the
Pickrellites and Ledfordites, the Hannibites and the Duttonites all
declared their peace.

2.      And Jeemiah and Chanaiah did agree to drink beer freely
together at the marriage of Dallillah, and even Turtoniah and his
woman did agree to sit at table and speak words of peace with
Nilitah, and with Chanaiah also, and drink of the fruit of the hop
with him freely.

3.      And even the plague of frogs was in abatement, and all the
ports of Ther-Malekh-Zost were made safe all men agreeing not to make
mention of the Son of Brokh the Hannibite, the wife of Shawn the
Pickrellite or the leg of James the Ledfordite, and any disagreements
that had passed in Yuzneth hereto on these topicks were forgotten

4.      And the Acceptors of Fath did return once again unto their
homeland, and many Acceptors did poste freely at the Trygvistine
temple, namely Sharon the Curtisite, Anneth the Stroudite, and the
Divah of the port of Daven.

5.      However the son of Cran had not given up the idea of presenting
Chanaiah’s head to Dallillah on a platter, so that she might dance
for him, rather than the son of Selah, on their wedding night, even
though she was grown fat in the interim, and could now but dance the
dance of the nine veils.

6.      And the Festival of Bo-Inkh was prepared and all the tribes
gathered in the Citadel of Vegas in the wilderness of Nevadah.

7.      And Samson was led along in his chains like unto a captive bear
led of gypsies, and was to be made sport of at the wedding for to
amuse the guests.

8.      And Vlad the Impaler placed a crown of pawns on his head, for
that he was a player of the Chekh, and didst say unto Samson, “Thou
rookest like a wight queen,  weawing that cwown all knight.”

9.      And Jackaiah answered ‘At least I beat not mine own bishop’.

10.     Neither am I bald as thou art, thou I was once not so long ago.
Thou mightest like to think aboot that one.

11.     And then Vlad the Impaler did say in the language of the Crow-
Asians “j’adoube” and did remove the crown off the head of Jackaiah,
and went to speak kindly and eat with Turtoniah and his woman.

12.     And Brokh the Hannibite spake unto Jackaiah words without
sympathy, and Jackaiah said unto Brokh, when that Dawn, the daughter
of Martiah the taylor, did malign thy seed, who was it that supported
thee more than me and my friends? But now that I am down thou
supportest me not.

13.     And at the same time as John and Dallillah there were married
Vlad the Impaler and Eni-El, and Chanaiah did marry Eloise.

14.     (Thereafter Chanaiah did get down on his knees to please his
Eloise, but Vlad did refuse to place his mouth unto the gates of life
of Eni-El, saying that they needed to get out of the Palace, and did
take her away. For which consideration she did divorce him the day
following the wedding, and he went forth in his virginity).

15.     And after all had wed, and eaten their fill and made sport of
Samson, he was taken back into the dungeons under the Palace of the
Vegans, and was chained unto the wall in his fetters of brass.

16.     And all the wedding guests and the main bride and groom but not
Vlad and Eni-El or Chanaiah and Eloise, (which had gotten away
through the warning of Samson which had been well understood by Vlad)
were above, lying about in drunken stupors and singing the Psalms of

17.     Dallillah came unto Thomas that was aforetime the corngrinder
and said, Thou art the bursar of Yuzneth, render unto me, I pray
thee, mine expenses in the matter of the humbling of Samson, for
today I must pay for the feast of this my wedding, and I am short of

18.     And she did give unto Thomas a pile of vouchers, checks, bills,
invoices and sundry factures and he did audit them and stamp them
with his seal and he did cast up the sum thereof, and lo, it did come
to one hundred and fifty shekels, and he made an entry into the book
of cash.

19.     Then went Thomas unto the petty cash floath and did take
thereof only five shekel pieces, they that are made of silver, and
did render them unto Dallillah in settlement of her disbursements.

20.     And Dallillah, having signed the receipt, looked at the coins
and said, Thou mightest have found some less tactless wise of
rendering unto me my costs.

21.     And Thomas said, Oh yes, what was I thinking of? And Dallillah
saith, I did not betray any one, if that’s what thou art thinking. He
was a different person to the man I knew. He became much harsher in
his ways. And if now he has his eyes put out, it is only because he
wanted it that way.

22.     Then came John the Bridegroom into the dungeon, for to be away
from the crowd and he did hold his head in his hands.

23.     And as he went he did cry “Maranatha, maranatha”, and some did
say, he received a centre of musick for a gift at his wedding.

24.     And Samson heard that John the Son of Selah was with him in the
dungeon, and lost not the chance of describing unto him in graphic
detail all the lewd filth that had passed between himself and the
Bride of John,

25.     Whereupon he cried the more “Maranatha” and resume his prayers.

26.     And Samson asked of John, the son of Selah, wherefore prayest
thou? What meaneth this word that thou sayst, the one that soundeth
like ‘Marantz’? I would normally look it up at Gugel-thah, but as
thou seest I have been blinded by the Trygvistines and can no more
use the claviature and scrane.

27.     And so did John tell unto Samson wherefore he was praying.

28.     And Samson saith unto John the son of Selah, “thou knowest, I
think the answer to thy prayers might be arranged”

29.     And Samson said unto John, “take me by the hand and suffer me
that I may feel the pillars whereupon this house standeth, that I may
lean upon them”

30.     And John did shew him to the pillars, but Samson felt that they
were not the right pillars for the task ahead.

31.     He said “Knowest thou where are the pillars that do support the

32.     And John answered “meanest thou the Mayalthu-Niyuz Gateway?”

33.     “Exactly” saith Samson. “Behold,” saith John “I shall lead thee
by the hand, here are they.”

34.     Now the house was full of men and women; and all the lords of
Yuzneth were there, the leaders of tribes and all their people, and
there were about three thousand men and women that had all made sport
of Samson,

35.     And Samson called upon God, and said ‘Remember me I pray thee
and strengthen me, I pray thee, only this once, that I may be at once
avenged against the Trygvistines for my two eyes.

36.     And Samson took hold of the two pillars of the Mayalthu-Niyuz
Gateway whereupon all that house stood, and on which it was borne up,
of the one with his right hand and of the other with his left.

37.     And Samson said, Let me die with the Trygvistines.’ And he
bowed himself with all his might; and the house fell upon the lords,
and upon all the people that were therein. So that they which he
trolled at his death were more than they which he trolled in his

38.     And as the stones fell upon the old school Trygvistines, Samson
did declare, ‘Tis an hard knock death, pharaoh-man. Hope this
hurteth, heh heh heh. And ye women, aforetime ye were hitting the
wall, but now the walls are hitting …”

39.     And the cornerstone of the Gateway falling smashed his skull,
thus bringing his words unto a conclusion.

40.     Then the Tokemanites came and took him and brought him up, and
buried him by the Annals of Gugel-thah, in the buryingplace of
Spnakht-Postah, and they did make for him a gravestone which bore the

41.     “Here lieth Jackaiah the Tokemanite, the Man who Trolled the

42.     But the stones fell not upon Michael the Son of Cran, for that
he was an advocate, and the stones were the client’s problem, not
his, (his problem being how now to collect the fee, now that the
clients were dead, but he was able at last to collect all their

43.     And the stones did fall to the left of him and to the right, to
the fore and after, but none did hit him, for that he was protected
by the breastplate of Ekhs-Noh-Arkhaivh.

44.     And thus he went forth into the Life to drink of the fruit of
the hop vine in the many mansions of the House of Trygve for ever

45.     And henceforth the King of Yuzneth was Chanaiah, as he had
prophesied hitherto, and he was indeed King of Himself, as he also
had proclaimed aforetime, for that he was the only one left posting
scrolls therein,

46.     Albeit Vlad the Impaler and Eni-El did pass by of occasion, but
never at the same time, and never more than once a year. At most
times Chanaiah did poste scrolls but unto himself, and unto the
Lurkahs who responded never, though they were doubtless legion.

47.     And on this wise Chanaiah judged Yuzneth forty years.

Here endeth the Book of Samson and Dallillah

Copyright Uncle Davey, 2003.

All persons, places and events are purely fictional and any
resemblance to actual persons, places and events living or dead, is
purely coincidental, the singular in the above can be taken to impart
also the plural meaning, the masculine the feminine, the fundament
the ellbow and vice versa.

No animals were trolled during the making of this parody.

About David J. James

52 year old accountant who loves languages, literature, history, religion, politics, internet, vlogging and blogging and lively written discussion. Conservative Christian, married to an angel, we have three kids, and live in Warsaw, Poland. I can help you with company set-up, bookkeeping, payroll, tax, audit and due diligence all over Poland and the region.

Posted on 22/01/2011, in Blog only, Default or Miscellaneous, First published on Usenet, Literature, My posts on other fora/blogs, My Stories, Other, Postaday2011, Satire and Comedy, Usenet Fragmentia and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Here is an offering I found at the back of a cupboard; “something wot I wrote” fourty-odd years ago and had forgotten about. Nothing like as long, subtle or chucklesome as the above but it might raise a mini-chuckle. I know it has been said many times before in different guises, but then most thoughts are merely regurgitations.

    New Age Religion or A Materialist Guide to Life

    Mammon fell into a deep sleep and the angel Cash came unto him saying “let the people know that a light has come into the world and He shall be called Lucre. And he shall be served as the true God.”
    Upon hearing this Mammon was sore afraid and hid his face saying “what does cash want of his servant ?” and Cash said “Let the people know too long have they strayed from the true path ; false teaching have they believed. Let them repent of their wrong doing and from this time forward let them follow the law that I now give unto you for the blessing of future generations”. Let the people do my bidding for now I leave you and go to a place wherein dwells the permanent light of market forces.

    1. Thou shalt at all times indulge in Sunday trading
    2. Thou shalt not save.
    3. Thou cannot serve both God and Moolah. Therefore throw thy bread upon the ground for the rest of thy days.
    4. Thou shalt diligently seek out new ground whereupon the wholesaler can grow.
    5.Thou shalt sing the praises of the angels Quesney, Keynes and Friedman
    6.Thou shalt not buy used goods and chattels when new are to hand.
    7.Market forces shall dwell in the land forever and shall be revered by the people.
    8. Upon thy waking these words shall be upon the lips of my faithful people-“Wherefore layest my shares idle? Let me take stock of them this day for they will give succour to my troubled heart ”
    9. The corporation shall forever be greater than the retailer and shall be accorded greater reverence.
    10. When thou walkest and when thou sittest and when thou finishes thy working day, my law (henceforth to called “Tor-y”) shall be ever before your eyes.

    And the people saw that it was very good…………………..

    And it came to pass that the people did spend and worry all the rest of their days. And they were not afraid to go into debt to their God.


  2. Here is an offering I found at the back of a cupboard; “something wot I wrote” fourty-odd years ago and had forgotten about. Nothing like as long, subtle or chucklesome as the above but it might raise a mini-chuckle. I know it has been said many times before in different guises, but then most thoughts are merely regurgitations.

    New Age Religion or A Materialist Guide to Life

    Mammon fell into a deep sleep and the angel Cash came unto him saying “let the people know that a light has come into the world and He shall be called Lucre. And he shall be served as the true God.”
    Upon hearing this Mammon was sore afraid and hid his face saying “what does cash want of his servant ?” and Cash said “Let the people know too long have they strayed from the true path ; false teaching have they believed. Let them repent of their wrong doing and from this time forward let them follow the law that I now give unto you for the blessing of future generations”. Let the people do my bidding for now I leave you and go to a place wherein dwells the permanent light of market forces.

    1. Thou shalt at all times indulge in Sunday trading
    2. Thou shalt not save.
    3. Thou cannot serve both God and Moolah. Therefore throw thy bread upon the ground for the rest of thy days.
    4. Thou shalt diligently seek out new ground whereupon the wholesaler can grow.
    5.Thou shalt sing the praises of the angels Quesney, Keynes and Friedman
    6.Thou shalt not buy used goods and chattels when new are to hand.
    7.Market forces shall dwell in the land forever and shall be revered by the people.
    8. Upon thy waking these words shall be upon the lips of my faithful people-“Wherefore layest my shares idle? Let me take stock of them this day for they will give succour to my troubled heart ”
    9. The corporation shall forever be greater than the retailer and shall be accorded greater reverence.
    10. When thou walkest and when thou sittest and when thou finishes thy working day, my law (henceforth to called “Tor-y”) shall be ever before your eyes.

    And the people saw that it was very good…………………..

    And it came to pass that the people did spend and worry all the rest of their days. And they were not afraid to go into debt to their God.



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